{brainwashing}

I'm starting to feel like I've been brainwashed.  That may sound funny, but I'm totally serious!  I found myself yesterday thinking "awww, I miss being pregnant...I loved rubbing my belly full of baby..."  Then I took a second to really try and think about what was going through my mind.  I had to fight to remember that the reason I was rubbing that belly is because it was uncomfortable and sore-sure it had a sweet baby inside, but that is not why I was rubbing.  It was a fight to try and really remember the discomfort...as if those memories had just been washed out of my brain!! Weird!!  The craziest part-I was still pregnant only 3 weeks ago!!  I swear I can remember the pain of knee surgery 10 years ago better than the pain of pregnancy!!  I will say the labor and delivery part has stuck with me...but the day to day of pregnancy misery is fading faster and faster with each day.  It's weird, not gonna lie.

{simple pleasures}: a list

Life's most simple pleasures:

• Having a bladder.  Seriously, I haven't had one for the last 3 months and being able to not pee every 30 minutes is wonderful.
• Sleep.  And yes, she's getting up to eat every 2 hours, but still those hour and a half naps in between on my back, my sides and even my stomach are the best thing that has ever happened to me.  There is nothing like restful, peaceful, no-hurt sleep.  Mmmm.
• Sweet newborn noises.  Ohhh...I love.
• Sweet newborn smells.  I love to just breathe her in.  I keep panicking that it's all going too fast already and Jon keeps reassuring me that I need to just enjoy while I can.
• Bending, Lifting and being generally mobile.  I missed so much.  I do love being able to pick up Paisley and love on her again-it's so much easier without a giant belly!
• FOOD.  I can eat!!  I want to eat!!  I LOVE to eat again!!  Oh, it makes me so happy!
• There is nothing like taking a nap with a newborn snuggled on your chest.  I just love to savor every moment....

We are enjoying our little Stella.  And I couldn't be happier now that I'm not pregnant!!

{catch up}: may

May was an absolutely crazy month for us.  We had a lot going on the entire month-starting with friends weddings and showers and ending with my sister's wedding and Stella's birth!  We also went on a Pioneer Trek with our ward.  I was partially in charge of a couple of the meals for the trek and it was our last opportunity to go camping with just the 3 of us.

 These are actual pioneer ruts carved in rock by handcarts on their way to St. George.  I am SO grateful I stayed at camp while Jon and Paisley trekked.  It was pretty intense!!

 I still can't believe they came down this way.  They decided that even though there were only 30 or so people trekking, they wanted to take ALL 5 of the handcarts, barely loaded.  I think next time they'll opt to take 2-ish.  It was rough.

 Paisley (the filthy, filthy child shown above) caught a frog.  I have never seen her so beat up as she was after trek.  She was covered head to toe with dirt, cuts and bruises.  It took a shower and then a bath the next day to reveal all of her injuries.  She LOVED it though.

 This is them, ready to set out for the day!  I'm so glad she went with him!

 I went on a trek of my own.  In the car.  To Enterprise (the closest town) to make some phone calls since we didn't have reception where we were.  I also may have stopped at Marv's for some lunch...teehee.  On the way back I stopped the pioneer cemetery called Hebron.  I thought this grave was interesting...Indian Squaw?  I guess they were kind enough to bury her?  It was way over scrunched in the corner next to another one that just said "Transient"  ouch.

 I still can't get over this damn.  Also built by pioneers (as far as we could understand) it was pretty crazy to see that it's been laid rock by rock.  The reservoir up above is apparently full of fish?  And the wildflowers were gorgeous.  It's cool to see what will bloom in the blazing hot desert we live in!

I wish I had taken a picture of the food.  We had 15 dutch ovens all going at once with chicken, potatoes and cobbler.  I'm so glad I stayed at camp while everyone else trekked.  I wanted to go, but realized that I could either cook or trek.  And I think I chose wisely by cooking-everyone was pretty hungry when they got back.

We actually left early because my biological cousin drove down for the solar eclipse and stayed with us Saturday and Sunday.  It was really cool to actually meet someone from my biological side.  She's from Georgia going to BYU Provo and had tons of fun stories about her family and my biological one.

 The following week/weekend Chad and Sarah got sealed!  It was so neat to go through the temple with them and their sealing was really cool!  My cousin got married that same day at the same time so I got to see a bunch of my extended family as well!

 The next week my family started arriving.  My parents got here Tuesday and Wednesday was my baby shower.  I'm so glad for everyone that came!  It was really fun and so well put together.  I wish I had taken pictures!!  Thursday night was the Rehearsal dinner for Brian and Christina.  It was a Hawaiian themed luau and as you can see they dressed well for the occasion!  The food was amazing!

 Friday, Christina got married!!  Paisley loved her pretty white dress!  And she looked so darling in her dress (a stark contrast to the filthy child pictured above with the frog).  It was so great to see all of my family.

 I'm not sure what's going on with my face in this pic, but everyone else looks good.  I can safely say I was in labor at this point, and not in a particularly good mood.  I was happy to be with friends and family and sad to be contracting and dying of heat.  I believe we hit 102F that day...it was blazing hot.  Paisley could not have been happier.  She made friends with my cousin's sweet little boy and they ran through the park all night together, happy as can be.  It was cute.

The reception turned out gorgeous.  My parents are now completely sold on hiring a wedding planner.  I'll post more pics of the wedding soon over on the foto blog.  It really was darling.  I'm just so glad it's all done.  It's been super quiet around here since and I almost don't know what to do with myself...oh wait, yes I do.  Sleep when I can and keep feeding this hungry little baby!

{questions}: and answers

Here are the most common questions I have been getting and some answers:

• More details??! Stella was 7 lbs 6 oz when she was born and 19" long.  She had jaundice so we had to stay an extra day and keep her under lights, but she was checked this morning and her bili levels are doing much better!
• Will I do it again?  Yes.  Absolutely.  But give me a couple of years.  I really have no desire to be pregnant again for a LONG time, but as far as having that next baby naturally goes, I'm in.  I think I'll do an entirely separate post about this.
• How is Paisley doing?  Soooo good.  I was super, super worried about this and she has been awesome.  She loves Stella and has been surprisingly patient with me nursing and very loving and helpful towards her.  I was worried about leaving her with my Mom and everything and she was super good for her too.  Hopefully this lasts and continues!
• How's nursing?  Busy.  She is really into cluster feeding in the middle of the day and the middle of the night.  Like every hour.  Our first night home was really rough, but last night was much better.  She really, really does not like sleeping on her back, so I may have to break some rules and let her sleep on her tummy.  Or maybe her sides.  We'll see.
• How am I?  So good.  I feel great and I just want to get into a routine so that I can feel normal, but at the same time I realize that may take a bit.  I'm tired too, but holding up really well.  Having my Mom here has really saved the day.  She's let me sleep in the mornings and taken care of Paisley.  She had to head back today and will be greatly missed!!
• How is Jon?  Tired.  And a little bit sick with a cold.  He seems better today than he was but he crashed after everything went down.  He's been working a bit this week since I had my Mom here and will be with me the rest of the week and some of next which will be nice.

Company has been nice-we've had just the right amount this time around, so if you'd like to snuggle a newborn you're more than welcome ;)  We really appreciate all of the love and support we've received-we have the best friends and family in the world.  And we just love this new little girl. ♥

{baby}: stella jayne

Before I begin this post, I have to thank my very kind Father in heaven.  I am still completely in awe at how things all came together, and I'm so grateful.

Christina, my sister got married on Friday, June 1st.  I woke up that morning to my mucous plug shedding...hopeful that it would lead to something.  I then ran around helping her and everyone else get ready, attending and photographing after the wedding and then attending and photographing the reception.  I was not a happy camper-mostly because the uncertainty of when I was going to have this baby, and the amount of pain I was having with contractions that would not regulate.

Saturday, the 2nd was our Gubler Family Reunion.  Jon and I were the first ones at the cemetery where we were starting, followed by Katie, my cousin and midwife.  After complaining to her of my very frustrating pains and lack of regulation she offered to take me over to her house a couple of streets away and at least check me to see if anything was happening.  I was dilated to a 4+ and 70% effaced...progress from my appointment on Thursday.  So she stripped my membranes.  Like really good.

I kept having contractions, went home for lunch and then laid down for a nap.  Finally as I lay down things started to regulate-5 minutes apart.  Painful, but not really.  I let them keep going for 2-ish hours and then got up to start putting things together.  I got in the tub for a bit, cleaned up some things and packed our bags.  Every time I was up they would start going faster and harder and every time I laid down and tried to relax they would settle back down to 5 mins or so apart.

When I had Paisley, my water broke at home.  I really tried to help that not happen this time but doing everything I could to prevent infections and taking both Vitamin C and E.  I really do think that helped keep my amniotic sac intact.  Unfortunately, trying to determine when is the best time to go to the hospital was way more difficult without my water being broken.  Finally, I just kind of felt like it was time because when I was up and around they were getting pretty intense.

They took me to triage and hooked me up to monitors, flat on my back and told me I had to stay that way for the next hour.  The nurse checked me and said that I was still at only a 4+ and 70% effaced, which was a little discouraging considering that's where I had been that morning.  Thankfully my contractions were 5 minutes apart at this point because every one was quite miserable not really being able to move.  My exercise ball had been my place of choice at home because it did wonders for my hips and lower back rolling around on it through contractions.  The nurse came in and explained that if I didn't progress in the next hour it would probably be best for me to head back home...something I DID NOT want to hear.  It was hard not to cry.

They kept giving me water, which made me need to pee so i took the opportunity to go into the bathroom and squat through my contractions-hoping to move her down.  Every time I got up they would get more and more intense, and when I would lay down they would space out-but were continuing to get more painful.  She checked me again in an hour and I was at a 5-ish, so she called Katie, who thankfully was already on her way in.  I overhead her explaining that she just thought this was early labor, and I guess tried to tell Katie that I thought I needed to go home!

Hearing Katie's voice was just the beginning of so many reassurances that she offered me that night.  The nurse had also explained that even if I wanted to be in the tub they would be getting me out every 20 minutes to monitor me because "we have rules here"  So disheartening.  Katie then walked in just after that and I told her I needed to get out of the bed, and now.  She helped me out of the monitors and asked me why I wanted to go home.  Which was confusing, because I did not want to go home.  I started walking the halls and only made it one lap before I started begging for the shower.  Thankfully, she put me in my room and I got in the shower while they filled the tub.  The shower was nice, but the tub was heaven.  Ohhhhhhh...heaven.  It instantly took away the lower back pain and contraction pain and made everything completely bearable again.  She also kicked all the nurses out of my room and left me to labor in the tub-checking in ever once in a while as things started to pick up.  Time at this point started to lose all meaning and became merely life between contractions.

I think it was around this point that I started to get loud-ish.  Moaning was really helping me through contractions and I remember regretting that I stayed quiet while I was in labor with Paisley...so I did not hold back.  I kind of feel bad for the other women laboring around me.  I don't know if they could hear me or not, but it was probably a little scary.  I'm remembering uttering/moaning the phrase "OOOOooooopen, OOOoooooopen" over and over again.  I wanted my cervix to open.

At one point, Katie had me get out of the tub to check me.  I was in very active labor and having contractions in bed was rough.  Thankfully Jon was there the whole way, pushing on my knees while one of the nurses tried to start an IV.  I have a hole in my hand.  I really, really tried to stay still but it was hard.  I was at a very stretchy 7-she could open me to a 9+ but officially I was at a 7. I was feeling SOO much pressure so she asked if she could pop my water (something I originally didn't want but very rapidly changed my mind about and I'm so glad I did).  I ran and hopped back in the tub as soon as I was free.  This was when things really, really started to get intense.

I've watched a lot of home birth videos where the women are in inflatable tubs-I was so glad mine was hard and plastic.  I had a death grip on the sides, and through this period of transition, tried to climb the walls.  The contractions were unreal.  I was continually fighting with everything I had not to panic.  They kept coming on top of each other.  It felt the best to get on all fours, but my knees kept falling asleep so I would try to change position in-between, but it was getting to where there was no in-between.  Katie rescued me.  So did Jon.  Jon jumped in the tub in his swim trunks and started pushing my hips together with all of his might-offering counter pressure to my lower back as well.  Katie stayed 3 inches from my face and told me over and over again that I was ok, I was strong, I was a mother, I was having a baby, I could do this, I was doing this-and I repeated all of this after her.  I needed to be told that I was ok.  Over and over again.  At one point I remember thinking that maybe I wanted and epidural and I went to tell her as a contraction was coming but it came out "I want..no, I don't want an epidural" and she agreed with me and then went back to telling me I was ok, with me repeating after her and trying to breath.  I remember thinking that it was probably too late to get one, and that getting one would require getting out of the tub, and sitting still-2 things I was not willing to do at this point.  I can honestly say what I was doing appealed to me more than that at the time.

I started feeling pushy.  I think for some reason I always thought the urge to push would be this very obvious light switch flipping on.  It was more of a transition.  It started to feel pretty good to push during contractions, but not enough.  Finally Katie asked me if I would get out of the tub.  She could feel that it was holding me back, and thought I might be ready.  I climbed out as quickly as I could in-between contractions and ran to the bed to get on all fours.  I'm so glad she had me turn over because as soon as I was squatting at the end of the bed my whole world changed.  It felt SO GOOD.  Ohhhh, I loved to push into the contractions.  She had just enough time to check, tell me I had a bit of a lip, oh and now the lip was gone, and now I was fully dilated and she had just enough time to get her gown on and my Mom in the door and Stella was out!  I had one really good push for her head, then they tried to get me to stop for a second and then her body followed and suddenly I had this baby in my arms.  The whole thing was beyond surreal.  I guess I just thought I would be pushing for awhile so to suddenly be handed a baby really sent me into shock.  And then it was over.  I had no tearing or damage, the placenta followed nicely, and we have a sweet baby girl!

As I write this I have no idea how I survived.  I have never had such an intense experience in all of my life.  After I settled down and realized that everything took place in 3 hours (we arrived at the hospital at 7:45 and she was born around 11) it overwhelmed me even more.  I am so thankful she is here.  And that she came on June 2nd.  I wanted her to so that my Mom could be there.  And I was so done being pregnant.   I can't even believe how amazing Katie was-she kept me in the game...and my sweet sweet husband.  He managed to not only stay on my back, but also took over for Katie coaching whenever she was checking me or such, and also took some awesome pictures!!  I feel so very blessed.

We're here at the hospital until monday night and love visitors ;)

{baby}: whine

I.am.so.done.

*Disclaimer:  if you don't like reading posts about pregnant women complaining about their pregnancy, just pass this one and go read something else.  I promise I know how blessed I am to be pregnant-biologically speaking I come from a family that has a hard time with pregnancy and my sweet mother can't have babies..so I know, I really do.


I read an article on babycenter today titled "The Top 12 things pregnant women miss during their pregnancies."  I thought it would make me laugh.  I cried.  In the top were sex and booze.  I don't think I've ever wanted to take up drinking more than when I'm pregnant...and OOOohhhhh...I miss sex.  It's not that we can't, it's just that its not really fun anymore.

I've almost blatantly ignored most of the food warnings-I haven't wanted sushi so I've stayed away, but I've eaten plenty of lunch meat, over-easy eggs and cookie dough.  Not tons, but I don't usually eat that much of it anyway.  I miss wanting and enjoying food.  Loving food is my kind of normal.  Not wanting and being able to enjoy food is awful for me.

I do miss cute shoes.  I keep telling myself I'm just going to wear them anyway...and then Sunday rolls around and I have a 7:30 am meeting and the last thing I want to do is put on heels.  So flats it is...frowny face.

Feeling strong and independent...another one on the list.  I fight this one.  Hard.  I HATE not being able to do it myself.  And I've really tried to maintain, but ultimately I find myself continually asking for help in one way or the other.  It's just hard.

One of the worst...peaceful sleep.  I love my sleep.  so, so much.  And those days are over.  I got so sick and tired of everyone telling me (when I was pregnant with Paisley) to just enjoy those last few weeks of pregnancy because "it was going to be SOO much worse once the baby was here."  These people are idiots and obviously did not have difficult pregnancies or just haven't had children.  I sleep in 1 hour intervals right now-with a baby I was getting AT LEAST 3 hour intervals at the worst!  And those 3 hour intervals were actual sleep, not just closing my eyes and passing out in exhaustion only to wake up and hour later with a charlie horse in my hip.  And I want SO badly to sleep on my back or stomach...soo soo badly.

I think it should be impossible for pregnant women to get the flu.  I got it for the second time this pregnancy earlier this week and ended up in the hospital again.  Ug.  I hate it so much.  As if having morning sickness still wasn't enough I got to go ahead and have the full blown flu.  With the flu came super bad lower back spasms, charlie horses in both hips and calfs, and finally contractions.  So I'm currently dilated to a 3...which may or may not mean anything.  Thankfully everything stopped because I wasn't too keen on going into full blown labor in such a miserable state, and my lovely birth companion would have been no help to me either (as he also lay home dying with the same thing).  We are, so thankfully, both alive and well currently.

Lastly, I hate complaining.  I hate having such a strong desire to complain.  It's hard to fight it.  I'm miserable.  Distractions are nice, but even they end up being short lived.  I want to be done.  I really want to meet Stella.  I really want to sleep and eat and snuggle a new little one.  Feel bad for me.  It's a rough day.

{update}: may

I had a good mother's day.  I cooked all of my own meals, I didn't get any flowers, chocolates or cards BUT my husband was smart enough to redeem himself by giving me some unique treats.  He finally let me wax his eyebrows (I have been wanting to for the last 7 years!!!  YAAAYY!!), he and I practiced a bunch of birthing positions to see what we like, and he gave me a nice foot rub.  AND he almost stayed awake through an entire birthing documentary I've been wanting him to watch.  It was very sweet.

Stella is getting big.  She also seems to be getting a bit uncomfortable as well.  Last night I can honestly say she was hurting me.  She is head down and kept sticking her bum out as hard as she could on one side while her feet were sticking out the other.  I think she just wanted to stretch.  I'm so ready to meet her.  She has started to "startle" too.  If I've been quiet for a bit and I yell or there is a super loud noise she jumps.  It's funny.

I hate my kitchen floor.  so much.

Paisley is making more sense.  She is working so hard to group more and more words into coherent thought.  It's really interesting.  She's been acting out more and overly cuddly some days and then super easy going and sweet others.  I think she knows somethings coming.  Or she's just 2.  Who knows.

I have successfully FINALLY kept some plants alive on my back patio!!  And I'm super proud of myself!  I have basil and thyme sharing a planter and they are still alive and thriving!!  I'll have to take a picture.  This may never happen again.

I hate selfish people.  I also hate insincere gratitude.  I love to help people but not when they act that way.  It just makes it awful.

I'm super excited to see all of my family at the end of this month including my Grandma!!  It's not often they all come to St. George which makes my life so easy.  I just hope I get to really see everyone with all the craziness of the wedding.

And wish me luck.  Jon and I are embarking on a pioneer trek this weekend with our ward.  Paisley has never had to pee out in the woods and so I'm hoping that goes well.  It's going to be a fun camping trip...I hope!

{parenting}: my 2 cents

I actually was thinking about writing an over-opinionated entry about crunchy vs. conventional parenting and with the TIME magazine cover all over facebook, it gives me the perfect opportunity to do so.  It's so interesting because I can say before having Paisley I was much more conventional, but since having her I've definitely gotten more crunchy.  I think that just happens...
Without further ado:

• Childbirth:  I'm pro-hospital, pro-natural as possible.  I've talked about this a ton lately.  The more I've studied the options I'm actually no longer against home birth, it's just not something I want to do.  Statistically (with the assistance of trained labor professionals)  it is safer to have your baby at home HOWEVER if you do have to be transferred it is usually while in hard labor and do you really want to be getting into a car or ambulance in hard labor?  I do not.  And our hospital is so accommodating if you know what to ask for I just don't see a reason not to do it there.
• Breastfeeding:  I'm pro-breastfeeding.  It's not easy.  And it's not always fun either.  But I really think the benefits outweigh the negatives so much that I will always recommend giving it your very best shot.  As far as "extended" breastfeeding goes (so like past the year mark)...they keep proving that there are heath benefits for the baby, and even the mother but I was ready to be done at a year and so was Paisley.  I'm thinking it will probably be that way with all my children, but who knows...like so many things it will be child by child, year by year.  
• Bedsharing:  I'm against.  Just for myself personally.  I used to think people that shared their bed with their kids were crazy-now I can see the benefits of it.  But I need my space, and I need my sleep.  There were a couple of times Paisley slept with us (rough night, sickness) and 2 different times I actually rolled on top of her and Jon had to wake me up so I didn't continue to smother our child.  From 6 months to a year Paisley would wake up at 7 and if I nursed her in bed and kept her there she would sleep until 9.  I resolved that if she needed to sleep with me from 7-9 AM until she was 14 and that meant I got to sleep til 9 it was worth it.  lol.  She slept in our room until she was 6 months and I wonder how long I'll keep my next in with us. I don't mind sharing a room at all-but I may move my next to their own when they start sleeping through the night, which for Paisley was around 8-9 weeks so we'll see...
• Crying it out:  I'm totally for it within reason.  I don't think brand new babies are trying to manipulate their parents...but i remember thinking that in my zombie-like state when she would be crying about absolutely nothing.  I feel very blessed because for the most part Paisley really did only cry when she needed something-and so she had a reason to cry.  Once whatever it was was resolved, she was usually fine.  I hope so much all my babies are that way.  There were a couple of nights though that everything had been resolved, she had been held and loved on and she still needed to cry..and so we let her.  I think it was a good thing.  She's a very good self-soother.
• Baby-wearing:  I love.  I have a small collection of slings and wraps and I really think baby-wearing is the way to go.  Once again, when I read up on attachment parenting and baby-wearing before having a child I thought it was crazy.  Why in the world would you want to continue to be carrying a child after you finally don't have to (because you're not prego anymore).  That is how I got things done.  I love having a happy baby and my hands free.  Nursing is super easy and you don't have to wear a cover half the time if you're sneaky.  And  carrying around the dang carseat with the child in it makes it tooooo heavy!!  I wore her to church for the first 3-6 months and she slept the entire time!  And a big bonus-no one touches your child when you're wearing them so you don't have as many of the creepy old people wanting to touch and kiss your child.  I read up so much research about the countries where people wear their babies and their complete lack of colic and I think that's what sold me.  (colic scares me)  So I love baby-wearing. *side note: I will however lug the carseat around with me when the car is 110 degrees or super cold so the temperature stays regulated.
• Diapers:  I hate the earth and I love disposable diapers.  It's cool, you can judge me.  
• Baby food:  I wanted to make my own.  It did not happen.  Once I realized there weren't any added sugars, preservatives, etc in normal baby food we just bought it.  And I didn't feed her one thing at a time.  And she was eating mostly table food by 9-10 months.  I did switch from standard baby mush to a more whole grain but other than that I think I was pretty conventional...and I love that she loves food like her mama...

I know there's more hot topics that I'm forgetting...but I've been controversial enough for today.  I'm interested to see if any of these things change as I have this next one...because so much of what I thought I knew changed when I had Paisley.  Right now I'm just dying to know when this child is going to make her big debut...she starts checking me next week!!!  I'm so ready to be done.  Pray I survive this last month!!

{children}: ahhhh paisley

Absolutely, positively NO ONE is allowed to talk to me about anything remotely concerning or important right before bed again.  Sleeping is hard enough as is and if I have ANYTHING on my mind it's not happening.  GRrrrrrr.

Anyway, a funny story:

Yesterday we were having lunch and Paisley asked if she could have a cookie.  This surprised Jon because he thought that covering the pan of cookies with a dishcloth and leaving them on the stove would be sufficient in hiding them from our toddler.  He was wrong, and answered with "What cookies?"  She then pointed to them from her chair at the table.  She was nearly finished with what she was eating, so we told her to take 2 more bites from each item on her plate and then she could have a cookie.  "I hold cookie?" was her response.  "Nope, take 2 more bites."  "I see cookie?" "Nope, just 2 more bites and then you can have it."  "You put cookie on table?"  At this point we were rolling because we have quite the negotiator.  I finally got up and put the cookie on a napkin in front of her.  Needless to say, she enthusiastically finished her 2 bites.

I'm worrying about the transition from only child to sibling is going to be hard on her.  She loves being the center of attention, and unfortunately is able to be because there is just the one of her.  I see the possibility of a fierce regression ahead of us when this baby is born and it worries me.  

I've been trying to talk more and more about the fact that a baby is coming.  She seems to have a general understanding-especially since the baby's room is all put together, but I don't know how much she can really grasp at this age.  She's funny too because out of the blue she'll come up and lift up my shirt and hug and kiss my belly and tell the baby hi.  Other days she hits my belly for no reason.  She is so sweet to babies and LOVES on them as long as I'm not holding them.  As soon as I pick up a baby she gets FURIOUS and demands to be held.  This is probably my biggest concern.  

To those moms out there that have gone from 1 to 2, what suggestions do you have to make the transition easier?  I've heard giving your older one a specific job or 2 helps (binkie duty, etc), and I'm thinking about getting her a toy carseat and toy pack-n-play for her doll so she can put her baby down and carry her baby around too.  I'm trying to talk about it as much as possible to somehow prepare her but I really don't know what's going to work best...suggestions?

{dreams}: in a funk

I'm in a weird place this morning.  It's been a long time since I had a nightmare... especially such a terrifying one.  It has left me in a weepy funk that I'm having a hard time shaking.  The dream:

Jon and I had gone up to a cabin to escape St. George with our friends Chad and Sarah.  It was in the forest up above the ocean (so I'm guessing Northern Cali?).  We were very suspicious of some of the things going on and went to a meeting in a classroom where they were discussing the state of things.  I opted to hide out with a group in a truck and Jon, Chad and Sarah went into the meeting.  I could see and hear what was going on inside the meeting, but was sitting in the drivers seat of a hummer/truck type vehicle.  They were talking about a specific group having complete control of all broadcasting by Christmas and control of all the oil companies as well.  As soon as that news broke, gunfire opened up in the room.

Chad and Sarah were both killed.  I saw Jon go down but was busy putting a gun together in my hands.  The girl sitting next to me that was supposed to be my cover was shot in the head.  I finished assembling the gun I had in my hands and was able to shoot the leader of whoever was in charge.  That ended it.  I saw Jon get up, but he had to go with the group of survivors for questioning.  I ran into the woods back to the cabin to find the door wide open and the cabin looted.  All the lights were on and the front door ajar.  The TV was broken on it's side and channels were coming on and off.  I watched the news long enough to see that they were dumping all of the bodies into the ocean as many were being killed in all of the big cities.  I closed up the cabin and started turning off lights so that no one would be able to see me inside.  I got ready for bed and decided to go outside to check out the woods around the house.  I didn't have my contacts in so everything was blurry.  In the distance I could see a few people making their way through the woods.  I finally recognized Jon.

I ran to him and grabbed his face and was so glad he was ok.  I couldn't believe he was ok.  Up until this point, it seems like I had forgotten about Paisley, but holding onto him I remembered and asked if she was still safe.  He told me they were putting her back together.  I asked what that meant and he explained that she had accidentally been shot, and that we were luckily going to be able to bury her.  My heart broke.  I started sobbing and that's when I woke up, sobbing.

I don't watch action movies.  I don't read action books.  I don't play video games.  I don't even watch a lot of the news.  Where in the world did my imagination come up with this stuff?  I had to get up and turn on all the lights in my house and sit there and soak up reality for a long time to snap out of it.  I'm still not completely out of it.  It was TOO real.  I remember vivid details of everything...and the feelings were so real.  So now I'm going on 2 nights of terrible sleep and the raccoon eyes are just getting prettier and prettier...

So I had a good friend suggest looking into a dream interpretation of what happened and oddly it made me feel a lot better.  Some of the highlights:

• To dream that you are loading a gun forewarns that you should be careful in not letting your temper get out of control.  (I've actually been struggling a lot with my temper lately)
• To dream that you shoot someone with a gun denotes your aggressive feeling and hidden anger toward that particular person. You may be trying to blame them for something.  (I honestly didn't know the person I was shooting...sooo)
• If you dream about the death of a child, then it implies that you need to let go of your immaturity and start being more serious. (And I feel super immature about the fact that I have been struggling with my temper)
• To see someone dying in your dream signifies that your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. Alternatively, you may want to repress that aspect of yourself that is represented by the dying person. (Oddly, the person I saw shot in the head does symbolize a lot of things I would like to repress in myself...super weird)
• To dream of a war signifies disorder and chaos in your waking life. You are experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle which is tearing you up inside. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are either being overly aggressive or that you are not being assertive enough.  (Once again, I have been struggling with my temper/aggression and I do feel like there is some chaos just because of not knowing when the baby is coming and if everything will go well, and will it be on my sister's wedding day, etc.)

I can actually say reading all of this made me feel so much better because before I just couldn't believe my mind would randomly come up with so much terrible stuff out of the blue.  At least this makes me feel like I make more sense?

{craziness}: oh, nesting

Nesting is a very real phenomenon for me.  I get it really bad.  Last pregnancy they loved me at my jobs because I nested there more than I did at home.  I scrubbed and organized and generally wore myself out.  This time around it's been wonderful to be at home and nest here...but at the same time I've been a little crazy.  You see, my head pops off my pillow at 7 AM no longer able to sleep because I am now obsessing about X Y or Z and I cannot sleep until whatever that is has a plan and is taken care of and done.  Because I am up 3-ish times a night to pee I also have to fight to go back to sleep because I'm worrying about taking care of X Y or Z.  These variables may include:  Will we find a dresser?  Did I ask my midwife about this particular question?  Why is so and so mad at me?  Are they mad at me?  My dishes need to be washed.  I haven't put away the clothes.... Vacuuming...hmmm... Thankfully I have the good sense to stay in bed at least until the sun comes up but after that I'm screwed...  Anyway, with that I proudly show off the following projects that are now DONE!!!

Stella's Room:

 So when Paisley had this crib she happily attempted to eat it and there are little teeth marks and bits of finish missing from the top.  I'm hoping that having the guards across the top will help prevent Stella from doing the same.  I'm so in love with the fabric I found-I love color so much and this has lots!

 I revamped an existing mobile and this is the view from Stella's point of view.  I still have yet to wash a lot of things (such as the changing table!!) but it still feels so good to have it all put together.

 I put faces on the dang owls and I think they look silly because they eyes look bored...but they ended up being more effort than I wanted to put in so I don't know if I care.  lol

Paisley's Room:

 I've been collecting and putting things together for this for awhile.  Paisley and I spent all Friday painting and such to finish this up.  She is obsessed with the letter "P" and is super happy to have it hanging on her wall-particularly because it's sparkly.  The silhouette is actually her and was one of the more difficult things to do because she wouldn't hold still for me to take the dang picture!!  The orange frame was at the dollar store!  The blue/pink elephant was originally brown/pink and was an awesome gift from Rachel when Paisley was born.  The middle is a spring picture of the temple and the pic of her and Jon is a canvas that I finally gave up on stretching and just decided to pin to the wall.  I love that I took the picture crooked-I promise it's not that crooked on the wall!

And her blanket.  She loves.  I'm just so glad it worked out.  I found the fun fabric on etsy and fell in love.  She loves elephants and that's been her room 'theme" since she was born so I thought it would be fun to stick with it.  She loves minky fabric so I did the edges and elephant in minky so it's snuggly and the backing is a soft fuzzy fabric too that I found for really cheap (and was so glad to find out it survived being washed a couple of times now so it's not too cheap).  We may get her a bed frame someday, but in the meantime this has been working great.

This dresser is not nearly as neon as it looks in this pic.  I promise.  But it is really fun and bright.  I'm so happy with how it all worked out.  We've been looking for awhile now on craigslist and at DI and haven't been able to find anything.  Finally we went to DI on Saturday and there it was-the perfect dresser.  This isn't it.  This is Jon and I's old dresser that we've been wanting to replace forever.  I always figured we'd finally buy the one that went with our bed and give this to one of our kids so it worked out great.  The dresser we found matches our room perfectly and needs some love, but that's for another day.  It needs to be stripped and sanded and glossed and such and well, I'm tired.  So we got this painted and switched over and that was good enough!

I'm so glad that it's all done.  I have some sorting and washing and such to do, but I have a place to put the baby, Paisley's room is all put together and I'm feeling much better!!  Now, to get some cleaning done...

{update}: some ramblings

I think..I hope I can safely say that currently being pregnant hasn't been so bad.  I think this is what I was remembering when I wanted to do this again.  I'm still sick and usually uncomfortable...but for me this is mild compared to what it has been.  And that has been nice.  I feel like I'm huffing and puffing all the time trying to get air and continually pressing my hands into my lower back-but I can't help but feel so blessed that I can hop in a hot bath or warm up my heat pad for some relief.  I have no idea how women used to do this-sleeping on the floor or straw!  Only cold water to bathe in!  No prenatal care!  We are blessed.

I've really been trying more and more to do prenatal yoga.  It really helps.  And it's super mellow compared to any usual yoga so I really can't complain.  I'm just hoping to be strong enough to be able to squat for any period of time and not tire out too fast.  We'll see how that goes. I had tired out long before I was even in labor with Paisley...lol.  Sleeping is getting harder and harder to do and I'm not looking forward to those last few weeks.

Speaking of super important life events and decisions...I can't decide what to do with my hair.  Jon really REALLY wants me to grow it out and I'm on the fence.  I think I'm going to go for it...I just hate shag phase SO much and I also hate doing my hair...so we'll see how long it lasts.  Votes?

I'm working on my birth plan-I'll be sure to post at least a follow up comical one to last time.  If you never had the chance to read that one, it is quite funny.  I should post a link...but I'm lazy and it's in the archives to the right somewhere...

And that should be all for now.  If I could just get some projects done I'll post pics!

{holidays}: easter

So I've really be struggling with taking pictures of my personal life since being prego.  After failing miserably at both Thanksgiving and Christmas I figured I had better get some decent pictures at Easter.  She still doesn't have an Easter dress, so no cute Easter Sunday pics, but she will.  I'm hoping to find or make something darling that will work for that and also Christina's wedding...so we'll see.  Anyway, we spent the week in Idaho last week but were lucky enough to go on this cute easter egg hunt here in St George (in the warm weather) before we left.  She loved it!  Especially when she realized that the eggs were full of candy! 

 We did "easter morning" on Saturday instead of Sunday up in Idaho Falls and Paisley loved all the fun things in her basket.  I tried to do things other than just candy-she got easter panties, baby bottles, chalk and stickers (her favorite!).  She was so cute!

 And we went easy this year and instead of dying easter eggs I bought at kit and we made pirate eggs.  I love.

Happy Easter!!

{a list}: yep.

It's a list kind of day:

• Favorite snack: dark chocolate chips and raw almonds.  Or just raw almonds...they've been my life saver!
• There are so many life lessons to learn from Finding Nemo.  It's Paisley's favorite-she asks multiple times a day if we can watch it.  I try to keep it down to only a couple of times a week, but it is her FAVORITE.  
• I downed a double double from In-n-Out yesterday and it was satisfying.  I just haven't yet really gotten back my appetite so any day that I'm good and hungry and I get to fulfill that is always wonderful.  Unfortunately, I'm finally having more days like that where I want food, just as I'm starting to run out of room... 
• Paisley is doing amazing at potty training!!  Even when we go out she's been telling me she needs to go!  So exciting!  I'm just worried that she's going to regress when this baby gets here... :(
• Jon just traded his truck for a ridiculous pink geo metro.  He's so excited.  It gets very good mph and he'll be commuting soon so it's a good thing.
• I'm finally starting to get some projects done.  Pictures will follow...
• Pregnancy brain has been really bad lately and I almost have to go to sleep in front of the tv just to turn it off.  I pop awake worried and desperate to get things done WAY too early in the morning, just to wear myself out long before lunch... Ooohhh and I have been GRUMPY.  I don't remember being this sore and achy and grumpy at this point with Paisley, but maybe I was.  I feel bad for my poor husband.
• I planted some basil and thyme and they are going to stay ALIVE.  It's going to happen this year-normally I kill them off pretty quick but this year will be different!
• Did anyone else ever have panic attacks in pregnancy?  I had one the other night (I got out of breath reading aloud and couldn't catch my breath back) which sounds so silly but I really had to fight not to totally freak out.  I'm carrying pretty high so she's squishing my lungs but wow...I've been doing zumba and haven't ever had that happen...
• And some of the best news ever...they're making an Anchorman 2!!!

{adventures}: california

Awwww...California.  I miss you so much already.  We've decided that this is absolutely, 100% an annual trip we will be taking for the rest of our lives.  Seriously.  It was wonderful.  We covered a lot of ground this year too-yet still managed to relax and sleep quite a bit.  We missed our sweet Paisley...but ohhhhh it was so nice for the break!!  I didn't actually get out my camera until the last day, so a good portion of these are cell phone pics, but I think it still covers most of the trip!

Oh, the beach.  My favorite.  I love the ocean-the smell, the taste, the feel, the sound...all of it!!

 We spend our entire first day at the beach.  They had a farmers market and I bought some yummy homemade soap, soy candles and blood oranges!!  Delicious!  That night we went to Orochan Ramen (featured on Man V. Food) and had some of the best noodle soup ever.  It was sooo good.  And for the crazies in our group, super spicy. (Jon and I stuck with mild)

The next day we went out for breakfast at this awesome diner and stuffed ourselves with food.  After that, we slept.  Lame, I know but it was so nice to nap during the day!!
That night we ventured out for some shopping and met Jack Skellington at a sweet comic book shop!

 And somehow we ended up on Hollywood Blvd....after an amazing dinner at Phillipe's.  Most amazing French dip, coleslaw, potato salad and cherry pie EVER.  And yes, this trip was about food.

 Sunday we got up and headed to the Crystal Cathedral.  It's undergoing some changes and there were news crews and such there..I guess it's being bought by the catholic church?  We met Moses too...

The inside...it was massive!

 Then we headed to Chinatown-nothing to see at night but crazy busy during the day!  I love that this pic captures some of the confusion...we were all over the place trying to find each other and see everything...

 I met buddha.  He was cool.

 We stopped and looked at this Chinese Temple...I wish we would have had a guide or someone to explain what everything was for-it was really cool to see everyone lighting the incense and presenting offerings...we just didn't really know what things were for or why...

 The ball in his mouth totally moves...

And lastly, the best fish tacos you will ever have...ever.  Their Campachana is to die for as well and my personal favorite when we go to Via Mar.  It is this tiny little stand we found last year and I'm so glad we found it again so we could go back!  Their food is some of the best mexican I've ever had!  We also made the traditional stop at Galco's and stocked up on vintage soda-we're just now finishing off what we got!
Overall the trip was a wonderful getaway and I'm so glad we got to go!  So many adventures...so many jokes-it was such good times ;)