the storm.

The calm has ended and the storm rages.

I have a cold and I can't process everything that's going on right now.

A year ago I noticed myself becoming sensitive to dairy.  I had stopped drinking milk for the most part and just hadn't craved ice cream.  Then one day I did and it made me sick.  I figured that I had a bug or something but then I ate it again and I got sick again.  A glass of milk?  sick.  Ice cream?  sick.  Sometimes just upset stomach and sometimes full blown puking and down for the next day.  I had already eliminated most dairy out of my normal diet so it wasn't a big deal.

Six or so months ago I began to notice the same thing when I'd eat lots of pasta or pizza or lasagna especially.  I figured it was the cheese.  Then it started happening more with other things...eventually leading me to realize that it wasn't the only the cheese, but the gluten.  I feel like this one came on more gradually and wasn't as consistent.  So I cut back on gluten (but didn't put a lot of effort into it, no label reading just the obvious stuff) and I started feeling better.  I did not want to truly acknowledge the possibility of a gluten allergy because I don't want to be allergic to gluten.

The more I cut back the better I felt, the less bloated I was and I had more energy.  Then I would eat some (because remember, if I don't acknowledge what I'm really doing than it can't be for reals) and get a little sick, but it was manageable.  I decided finally to stop this game and made an appt with my doctor to be tested for celiac.  Reading up on the testing it's important to still be consuming gluten while you're tested.  I took that to heart and wolfed down donuts, bread, cookies and anything else I could get my hands on (last meal).  The next day I was down and SICK.

Appt with NP (doc is sick), labs drawn, blah blah blah.

I don't have celiac.

But I do have a gluten intolerance.

But it's not celiac and until it is the medical community isn't interested in offering advice or help in the matter.


I went to another clinic.  Had many more labs drawn.  Still not celiac, not pointing to any diagnosable auto-immune disorders (which is probably a good thing) and they have a diet plan that will heal my leaky gut and ideally help me significantly.

But I'll probably still be gluten intolerant in the end.  Oh, and the diet with them costs $4000.  It's not covered by insurance because it's nutritional therapy (of course).

I've had some good friends with some good advice.  I'm heavily looking into the GAPS diet that will heal an existing inflammation and ideally also help me in the long run.

The problem in the short term is what this means for me and any future babies.  Because of the severity of my hyperemesis I was already super scared to get pregnant being intolerant to dairy.  If you remove gluten from my options I'm going to die.  Cow's milk stays down better than water when I'm pregnant. Cereal is the only thing that I survive on for the first 4 months.

I had already removed most dairy from my diet when I got pregnant with Stella and was forced to go back to it because all other alternatives were awful!  I love coco/almond milk but when I'm pregnant it's the worst thing ever.  Carrots and lemons and coconut water stay down but they don't provide any energy like dairy and gluten can.  I'm afraid in my current state I'm looking a hospital stays through my next...so right now I just can't stop crying about this being a *hopefully temporary* end to me having any more babies.

I've done some research.  Hyperemesis throughout the duration of the pregnancy like mine is rare.  Finding a celiac or gluten intolerant person that has hyperemesis is also rare.  The few cases I've read seem to be 50/50.  Some change their diet and their pregnancies are delightful and completely different, some change and nothing changes and they try to die their entire pregnancy.  There's really not a large group to pull stats from.

I'm too foggy to think right now.  I'm meeting with my actual doctor today (I think this cold might be an ear infection) and I'm going to cry a lot and try and get some answers and he's going to put me on antibiotics and offer my an Rx for my Vitamin D deficiency.

In other news Stella has hit that blessed time in her life where she want to make ALL of her own decision NOW and screams at me a lot.  I'm up to my eyeballs in parenting books trying to remember how I'm supposed to discipline a 2 year old in a way that she'll feel independent but not need to draw on my entire house with marker.

And Paisley.  Supposed to go to school in the fall.  Still don't feel good about it.  Not her going, but about the school.  Idk.  That's a whole other post.

My brain!!