{funnies}: paisley

Lately Paisley has loved to make animal sounds and loves being asked "What does a cat say?  What does a cow say?  What does a dog say?" and she'll reply with the coordinating noise.  She recently figured out too that she can ask us as well and will follow me around saying "Say cow!  Say dinosaur!  Say piggy!"  Jon and I were sitting at dinner tonight and she was playing the sounds game and Jon said "What does a Mama say?"  She looked at Jon and said "Whyyy? (as in, that's all she hears Mama say all day!!).  It was REALLY funny.

{family pics}: for valentines

My dear friend Alecia was kind enough to take our family pictures.  It seems like we just had them done, but I look completely different as a brunette again and I have a bit of a belly now so I thought it would be fun to show it off ;)  Paisley was her busy self and refused to sit still for even a moment....she is SOO busy!!  We missed doing Christmas cards this year so I thought it would be fun to do cards for Valentines!

my dear, sweet monkey...

{big news}:

I've been debating whether or not to blog about this but I feel like it's easier to write it all down and send people here to read it than to tell the story over and over again...

I got a call yesterday from LDS social services explaining that my biological mother was trying to get a hold of me, and if I filled out some paperwork and turned it in, she would have my information and I would have hers.  I was quite overwhelmed getting off the phone with them-particularly because all I had to do was print off a couple of papers from my e-mail, sign them, and suddenly I would be given the information about this person that made me.  whoa.

So I did, and ran down to LDS services here to have them notarize and fax everything.  After waiting a couple of minutes, I was handed the paperwork-with a name, address and phone number.  holy cow.  Unfortunately I left my cell phone at home, and when I returned I had already missed a phone call.  So I put Paisley down for her nap, and called her back.

My first impression is that she has the most darling southern drawl.  I was born in Atlanta, Georgia and she still lives there-amongst most of my biological extended family.  I have siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins...and I was finally able to hear the stories of how I came to be, why I was put up for adoption, and how things are now.  super interesting.  I'm still just reviewing it all, and so grateful I started taking notes.  There is still so much to learn about and I have yet to see pictures!! (my biggest curiosity) So I'm sure I'll be updating here and such as this story unfolds...

{thoughts}: on a tired monday

Today, a list.

• Is anyone else bugged that you HAVE to use chrome to blog now?  I'm super stubborn about what browser I use and I'm bugged...
• I hate doing laundry.  I don't mind washing it, but I don't want to fold it and I REALLY don't want to put it away.  ug.
• It is amazing how my house can be spotless-moped, vaccumed, scrubbed and smell-free one day and completely destroyed top to bottom in a matter of 3 days.  And when I say destroyed, I'm not messing around.
• My child who was once potty trained, has decided to pee where ever she wants.  awesome.  In her defense, she's getting some molars and has been having a rough go with it, but still...
• I love the sunshine.  I feel so blessed to live here in StG where it shines all year round.  Nothing lifts my spirits like going to the park and basking it it.
• I have to pee.  again.  and always.
• Does anyone have a quick cure for anemia?  It's killing me.  I'm on supplements, and I'm trying to eat more steak but I just want to be cured today.  please?
• I probably need a nap...this list was a wee bit more grumpy than I'd like to admit I'm feeling...

{on my mind}: labor and delivery

I have had this post putting itself together in the back of my mind for awhile.  You see, I've really immersed myself in all things baby-particularly when it comes to the labor and delivery part.  Pregnancy is hard on me and focusing on the end goal really helps.  And the fact that this baby has started moving and I can feel her!  MMMMmmmm...I love.  It's the best.  Anyway, I've started to string together some philosophies/ideas/and such and I want some suggestions and feedback.

I really want to go drug free this time.  Honestly, it's not even so much about being able to say that I did it, or to prove my womanly-ness or anything like that.  The more I've studied statistics the more it seems that doing things drug free cuts down on recovery time.  It also seems to help prevent further intervention (which I really want to avoid).  I also want to try and deliver standing up or squatting.  This paints such a weird picture to most of us western-cultured women...and I really do still think it's weird.  BUT every birth I've watched standing they don't have to push!!!  Gravity works it's magic and the baby has the opportunity to descend gradually (ideally doing less damage).  This sounds nice.

Now, with Paisley I really had minimal damage.  I walked away with 2 tiny stitches and no real tearing.  I was lucky too because I made it to transition before getting an epidural and only needed that epidural for an hour (so it wore off right after).  I have no complaints.  Things went so well with her and I was so happy with both my nurses and Dr. Benham.  I actually had a lengthy discussion with my mid-wife because I felt so bad leaving my Doc because he did such a good job.  One of the things that sold me on Dr. Benham back when  I was interviewing OBs for Paisley's delivery is that he is compared to a midwife the most of all the doctors in town-he's a very patient man, he doesn't like to induce, he has the lowest c-section rate and he doesn't see a need for women to receive episiotomies or to tear.  He considers delivery a success not just because you produce a healthy baby, but because you have minimal to no damage.  I worried that without him massaging my perineum I would tear with this one but she reassured me that this is highly unlikely-especially if I'm free to be in whatever position I want.   

Ultimately I switched to Katie because she's my cousin and she's awesome.  She was with me as I was delivering Paisley and I loved having her there.  I'm also super excited to have her there continually while I deliver this one.  I had great supportive nurses-but they get switched over at shift changes and you really don't see your Doc much until the fireworks start.  I think having a constant support from when I get there to the end will be a big help.  

Something else that has got me super excited is that our hospital is installing tubs in 2 of their rooms!!  Yay!! With Paisley they wouldn't let me get into the tub because my water broke at home so I spent my time bouncing on a ball in the shower.  The thing that was so hard about this is that I would just get comfortable, find my happy place, relax...and they would come get me to get all dried off and get into bed to be monitored.  I wanted to be monitored BUT having to sit still in a bed is not super fun when you're in labor.  Bouncing on a ball with the nice warm water on your belly IS super fun when you're in labor.  After a couple of cycles of this I got overheated as I was getting out, had the strongest contraction of my life, and started puking at the same time...which led me into a panic ( I hit transition), ultimately into a downward spiral (Oh my gosh I can't do this for 10 hours!!!) and then to an epidural.  OOOooohhhh and that epidural was the best thing that ever happened to me...it really was.

So here's why I'm excited.  They've changed some rules at our hospital so that if I want to get into the tub, water broken or not I can.  Awesome.  Because I have opted to go with a midwife, she isn't as concerned with continual monitoring and can check me WHILE I'M STILL IN THE TUB!!  Yay!!  This, I'm hoping, is my ticket.  Water was my friend and my happy place and I think if left alone in my tub, not having to leave I may be able to make it.  Unfortunately our hospital isn't on board with the waterbirth thing, but I can literally just stand up above the tub and deliver if I want...so that's not too bad.

So basically, I've tried to set up everything as ideally as I can based on what I went through with Paisley.  I know that water helped, I know the length of my labor (which I think will help me a ton this time because it's usually shorter the second time around, right?), and I know I needed and appreciated continual support.  For those of you that have had babies, what helped you?  Even if you ended up with drugs or not, what kept you going up until that point?  What classes did you take?  Was breathing helpful?  What techniques?  Did music help you?  Distraction?  

I don't like hypnobirthing.  They lie too much (labor hurts, it's not in your head)  lol.  I have studied up on the Bradley Method, but I haven't taken a class...has anyone?  Was it beneficial?  I've watched tons of documentaries, online childbirth education classes, and at this point I think I've read every single book our library has on the subject.  I've also started keeping up on a couple of amazing blogs that have really offered some great tips.  Probably the most important thing to me is looking for techniques that recognize the pain (because it's real!) and help you deal and work through the pain.  I think water is going to be a big factor for me, but I feel like it can only take me so far.  Soo, thoughts??

{lyrics}: from the avetts...

I love you but I can’t remember why
Stars fallin’ from high forgotten sky
I was a one-line wonder in my own love song

I keep a little journal by my bed
Dreams help me find the words I haven’t said
Like when a little girlie said goodbye to me

From behind a screen door
I won’t see her again I’m sure
Didn’t I say I need you
I tried to move on but I can’t
I tried to think of bad times
Good memories are all I have

I love you but I can’t remember why
I’d love to find a reason to deny
I was a one-hit wonder in my own hometown

And I guess I might have made a few mistakes
But maybe that’s exactly what it takes
To get a little happy in this big sad world

How many have you made
And which of those have you laid on down to die
Well didn’t I say I need you
I tried to move on but I can’t
I tried to think of bad times
Good memories are all I have

The Avett Brothers

{holidays}: the new year

I'm just going to go ahead and apologize for the constant complaining.  Magically with the new year I've gotten a second wind and I'm feeling like I'm alive again.  There is something wonderful about packing up the Christmas tree and cleaning up all the wrappings, finishing off the goodies and sending family back home to their houses.

Jon was kind enough to help me deep clean the living room and kitchen-something it has needed for a LONG time and I LOVE having a clean house!!  We finally accepted that we have lots of stuff, that we need a room for the baby, and that she's not going to fit in Paisley's room...so we broke down and rented a storage unit.  Jon claims this is a first step to really becoming hoarders...I really don't feel bad because if we had a garage we wouldn't need a storage unit.  Ideally we'll buy a house sometime this year...add that as new years resolution #1...and so this should be a somewhat temporary arrangement. 

In the meantime cleaning out a space to put our new child and realizing I get to update Paisley's room as well has been exciting.  Her crib turns into a toddler bed and that's what she's been sleeping in but I'm thinking the sooner I can get her into her own toddler bed, the better so that she has no reason to blame the baby for stealing her bed.  Thankfully, she's been potty trained for the last couple of months so I'm hoping by the time June comes that will be MORE than routine.    And she continues to amaze me everyday with the new words and phrases that she's picking up!  Her vocabulary is multiplying like crazy and I just can't believe how well she's doing.

Now, if we can just decide on a name for this child.  We were completely surprised it was a girl.  I'm still not sold.  The ultrasound tech said she was 92% sure...so maybe it really is, but I just had such a strong feeling it was a boy!!  I don't know.  We had tons of cool boy names picked out, but we're tossing around a bunch for a girl...we'll see.  I'm getting more and more excited to meet her now that I'm feeling better and better everyday. 

Now for some Resolutions:

• I always say lose weight...which is a little unrealistic currently considering I should be starting to gain some weight in the near future...so yeah-how about we'll revisit this in June?
• Exercise:  this I'm really really hoping I can do.  I went to zumba for the first time last week in 3 months and it actually went WAY better than I thought it would.  Hopefully this will continue to be a possibility...we'll see.  I really feel like you have to play it by ear!
• Read Scriptures:  I've completely lost this habit and I need it back.
• Buy a house:  I'm hoping if we put it as a resolution it will happen?  I can say I am SO grateful that we've waited as long as we have to make this investment-so much has changed for us and the market and I think this may be the year we've been waiting for!
• Become more organized:  I really started getting more on top of this last year and I want to continue.
• Keep the house cleaner:  Sometimes I let things go TOO long and I need to get back on a schedule.  I know it's had a lot to do with the pregnancy and sickness, but still, there's definitely room for improvement.
• Get back to healthy eating:  This has just been weird.  All I want is crap for food.  I could happily eat cereal, buffalo wings with bleu cheese and macaroni and cheese for every meal.  seriously.  It's disgusting.  It seems the less nutrients, the better.  AND I don't really like chocolate that much...I'm not into cookies, candy-none of the sweet stuff AND I don't like veggies...so obviously there is something wrong with me.  I'm hoping with the nausea subsiding and the energy back I'll want to eat food again...particularly food that offers ANY nutrition...
• Spend more time taking pictures:  I fell completely off the boat...like there isn't a single picture of Thanksgiving...I took a little bit of video at Christmas-and that's it.  It's bad.  Beyond NEEDING to take them I really want to spend more time taking them for fun-like as a hobby, instead of just as work.
• Keep a plant alive.  They always die.  Always.  Unless it's bamboo-but seriously, I can do better.  I just need to.

I think that may be it...probably not.  I've got plenty to improve on...I'm just so glad I have some desire to do something-it was getting pretty bleak there for a while.  What are your resolutions?

{update}: the pregnancy

The most common questions I keep getting asked are now answered:

• Yes, I am still sick.  No, it's not going away and it's just as bad with my second, if not worse.  I am starting to believe that the worse-ness of it is simply because I cannot sleep my life away like I was able to with Paisley because of, well, Paisley.  However, thankfully I am getting some energy back and while I still throw up my guts if I don't take my meds, the nausea isn't as strong...  Distraction seems to be the best medicine for me-getting out, seeing people, etc, but at the same time wears me out terribly.
• We find out what we are having TOMORROW!!  Yes, I am SUPER excited.  I had no idea that my office would do a 16 week gender check and I am super excited to see what we're having.  I just want healthy really...a girl would be nice because we already have everything, but it would be so fun to have a boy...so it's hard to say what I want.  I kind of think it's a boy...but who really knows until they get here anyway, right?
• Yes, I have the most amazing midwife in the world.  My awesome cousin Katie is a Nurse-Midwife here in StG and is backed by Dr. Lunt-who seems to be an awesome doc.  I am beyond excited that our hospital is currently installing tubs in 2 of their rooms including equipment to monitor while still in the tub.  They will also allow me to get in the tub if my water breaks (something they wouldn't let me do before) so I'm hoping if things go as quickly and as smoothly as they did with Paisley I can just pop this one out drug free.  We'll see.  Labor hurts-I remember that part, but water saved me last time-it was the getting out of the shower and monitoring that killed so I have high hopes that if I can stay in the water I can make it. 
• I think, MAYBE I'm starting to feel the critter move.  Maybe.  There's been a few flutters here and there that seem familiar but nothing huge yet.  I can't wait for that.  That's my favorite part-and really the only reason I was willing to get pregnant this time.  It seems like Paisley was really distinct around 17 or 18 weeks so I hope I'm getting close...
• And yes, I would love it if you want to come rub my feet and clean my house.  So sweet of you for asking...lol.  I'm trying really hard to stay positive and keep my chin up but some days are hard.  I really do have the best and most patient husband in the world.  He tries to take care of me and it's very sweet. 

{laughs}: read

When I read the bottom one I was laughing so hard I was crying-as was Jon.  There have been too many days Jon has come home to me in the exact same state I was in when he left-and our nude child running around the house destroying what may be left of what I accomplished...too funny.

{special}: hyperemesis gravidarum

I love this book.  I cried a lot while I read it.  I'm really struggling.  I think the hardest part is that I will have a good couple of days where I'm not AS sick so I start to think maybe it's letting up.  And then it comes back-with a vengeance.  I keep hearing it's supposed to be so much better with my second baby.  Nope.  I actually think I might be worse.  I also made the mistake of not realizing how much the zofran really is keeping me alive and missed a pill.  I didn't recover for a couple of days.  I keep thinking it's not doing much because I still feel so sick all of the time.  It is doing SO MUCH.

You see, I am part of the blessed 1% that has hyperemesis gravidarum meaning that left unmedicated I would lose more than 5% of my body weight (which I did with Paisley before meds) and that most likely I will be sick for the entire pregnancy (also how things went with Paisley).  Morning sickness is such a hardship that is really difficult to explain.  I'm so happy to be pregnant because it results in a baby, BUT I'm not actually that happy to be pregnant because I feel like I have a disease. 

I see why it's hard for people to understand too-if you've never been sick for weeks at a time, constantly trying not to throw up, gagging often, you just can't understand how it is.  I feel like a terrible mother-we just watch tv all day.  I feel like I've completely lost track of any sort of healthy diet-all veggies are gross to me, as is meat (minus buffalo wings, who knew) but coke and any starchy carbs are great.

I try so hard to be normal but I feel like I'm over compensating half the time...I just don't feel like myself and if I'm left to my thoughts too long all I can think is that I'm going to be sick until June.  That is so far...  So I've been tired and grumpy and ultimately just a sad case.

Normally I try to avoid blogging too much when I'm in this state...it's funny because when I was sick with Paisley there were just a couple of months I was mostly absent from blogging for this same reason.  All I can do is keep praying that I at least get my energy back in the second tri like I did with Paisley-that helped out immensely with making the sickness bearable last time.  This time I wanted to blog this mostly for myself so that looking back when I want another one I can read this and really think long and hard before I do it again.  Also, really just to reach out and offer any support to anyone that is going through this as well...its hard.

{holiday}: gifts

I was just reading in my Martha Stewart magazine and they had asked readers what the best gift they had given was. Then a friend of mine had this song post on FB and the memory just couldn't help but flood back...

I was living down here in St. George and Jon was back home in Idaho Falls. It was December and I had plans to go home and visit him. I'd led him to believe that I wasn't going to be there until right before Christmas but luckily I was actually able to take off from work a few day earlier than he thought. At the time I didn't have a car-I was just buzzing around on my scooter so going home meant finding rides or flying...but this time it meant Greyhound. I hadn't ever ridden on a Greyhound bus, and I honestly can't recommend it. I remember so clearly my roommates and our friend Patrick dropping me off at midnight at McDonalds with my bag and my snowboard. We stopped in Cedar at the station where I paid for my ticket and headed on our way. I ended up sitting next to a nice looking black guy-and woke up in Salt Lake-my head on his shoulder and arms curled around his. lol. I'm a friendly sleeper.

I called Jon from Salt Lake and told him a long story about being called into work early and not being sure if I'd even be able to get home! I remember him asking me how I was even planning on getting up there and telling him I'd figure something out. It was awesome. This is when the fun really began. I got onto another bus and unfortunately the only route from SLC to IF meant stopping in Logan-making a 3 hour drive a 6 hour one. And we stopped at every single little town on the way. I had no idea. There was a really random station out in the middle of nowhere-this is where a nice man from the back of the bus tried to sell me some weed. Then we got back on the bus where everyone in the back proceeded to smoke said weed. I also got to see some magazine porn for the first time. lovely. Did I mention they were passing around whiskey as well? And the funniest story from one of the guys about how his wife is abusive and he only married her so she could get citizenship and he was travelling cross country to see her so they could divorce....it was a colorful trip. A lot of the details are blurred at this point, I just remember I never really wanted to ride on a bus again...

Finally at noon, 12 hours after leaving St. George I arrived to my parents in Idaho Falls! We ran home and I called Jon to find out where he was and what he was up to. I explained I was on break at work (while actually driving in the car to his destination). He was clear across town at Wal-mart so I drove there as fast as I could. I remember asking him as I headed in the door where he was-he was in the Christmas card aisle with Gayle and they were picking out cards for his family. So I found him, ran up to him and kissed him under his ear. He froze. Surprisingly he looked at Gayle first and she stood-mouth wide open-gaping at me, which I think freaked him out worse. He finally turned and looked at me...Oh I loved his face!! He mumbled and mumbled that he was just talking to me and that I was in St. George....

And that's the best gift I've ever given. I finally surprised him...and he surprised me over that Christmas break by proposing. And here we are...

Oh, and the song? I listened to that on repeat for the entire 12 hour drive...you know, when I wasn't being offered weed or porn...lol.

{news}

Soooo...I am with child.  I've been dying to talk about it (mostly so I can complain, I'm awful) but I wanted to see the critter first and the heartbeat and there is definitely a baby in there!!  Hopefully this child will be debuting mid-June, making me 10 weeks along. 

I think I'm actually more sick with this one that I was with Paisley.  I don't know if it's just that I have a 2 year old to chase around, or if I'm actually sicker, but it's been a rough 4 weeks!  My fear is that I will continue to be sick the full 9 months like I was with Paisley-so pray for me!!  I've turned into this sad monster that mopes around crying and puking everywhere-but thankfully not as much as I could be, thanks to my magic friend Zofran! 

We really are super excited, but if this continues to be as rough as it's been I'm thinking this may be our last natural child...I don't know.  I'm not a fan of the person I become when I'm so sick all the time.

And to those sweet people who have been loving on me and taking care of me through all of this...Thank you so much.  ♥

{read}: go have a laugh...

Go read this: http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

I promise, it's a good laugh.  My friend Stevie posted it a year ago and then again a couple of weeks ago and I've been meaning to repost it for a laugh and today is just one of those days...

Enjoy!

{holidays}: halloween

 Soooo...I was super lame this year and really didn't get a lot of good pictures of anything for Halloween.  These are really the 2 best of Paisley...I should have gone out during the day or something, but it just didn't happen.  She was Cinderella!!  We hadn't put her shoes on yet for the bottom picture, but she wore glass slippers too (I found some sweet sparkly jelly shoes at DI!!)    She was so excited to wear make-up, but not excited to let me curl her hair so we mostly just got the bangs.  She was so darling Trick or Treating!!!  She would go up to the doors and say "Please?" or "Treat?"  The next day she grabbed an orange pail we have and headed out the front door to go "treating!"  It was so funny.  She LOVES candy and is constantly asking for some now that she knows where it is!! 


My sweet little Cinderella

{organizing}: bills, budgets, and a binder!

So I've been working on a project for the last couple of weeks and I wanted to share.   My new love is Pintrest and I'm happy to say that I feel like I spend as much time working on projects that are inspired by Pintrest as much as I spend time on Pintrest...so its ok, right?  I might be a little bit addicted...Anyway, a recent blog I got to from there had ideas for a pantry revamp, including a family binder revamp.  AMAZING!!  I have yet to revamp the pantry (it's in the works), but I loved some of the ideas for the family binder so I took some of what she suggested and made up a lot of my own...and it became this!!  My new Bills Binder:

 Something that she suggested was the dividers with pockets-super brilliant idea!!  I used to put my bills in a bin and sort through them twice a month or so.  Jon has never been involved in the bill paying and it's something I've wanted him to be involved in for a long time.  With this system, paying the bills could be done by Paisley!!  I made a tab for each bill that we have with a cover sheet with the logo and following information and due date.  This way ANYONE (which is a little scary) could log into any of our accounts for any of our bills and pay them.  This way when I forget which password is which, or I have customer service on the phone I can readily reference all my information quickly!  I also plan on keeping all the bill stubs for the year behind the tab for records and comparison (normally they go into an accordian file, but I hate filing them so sometimes it just ends up being an endless pile!!)  So ideally* the bill comes in the mail or e-mail, I place it in the tab folder, I sit down to pay bills once a week (or Jon or Paisley, lol) and I have EVERYTHING I could possibly need to sit down and pay everything.  I mark whats paid, place it behind the tab and continue on with my life!!

Another thing that I've wanted is a clean cut "which bills are due when."  I hate having all of that on my normal day to day calendar (it's full) and if the two of us are going to be paying bills I really wanted a visual to show when, who and what has been paid.  I actually have an app on my phone and so does Jon that was supposed to help with this, but so far I really just like having things on paper.  So I put together this worksheet.  This way if something gets paid, or doesn't we have a quick reference at the beginning of the binder.  I added EVERY bill that is a possiblility-some we don't actually always have to pay (like my Victoria's Secret card), but this way if I do have a balance I have a note to check and pay it on time. 

And lastly, the Budget worksheet.  This layout is stolen from "One for the Money," but I split it into 2 groups because we get paid twice a month.  This way I have a general idea how much spending money I have versus bill amounts in the 2 pay periods.  I'm debating on using the cash method for this...we tried it for a minute-it's just super hard because I hate going to the bank!!  (we don't have a drive thru on our side of town and I'm SUPER lazy).  Ideally too I can watch these and add in the actual as we go to see how we're really doing.  Once again, I have an awesome website that make pie charts and everything (mint.com) BUT it updates too slowly and I have to go categorize EVERYTHING that we spend if we want it to work properly.  ug.  So I'm hoping with this revamp that Jon and I can be on the same page, and that we can be more organized and aware when it comes to bills and budgeting!!

I share because I hope this works!!  Jon and I have struggled our entire marriage with bills, budgeting and staying organized and I hope so much that this helps us get on the same page!!  I really want him to be involved-to help relieve some stress and so he can see more clearly where his hard earned money is going!!  What things have worked for you in your budgeting???