{clarity}: the womenfolk

I've blogged before about how much I hate girls and how much I worry about Paisley when she gets older because of girls. I received even more clarification about that today. I had something horrible happen to me. Details may not be important-let's just say I got to enjoy the searing pain of being judged by some of St. George's finest example of why I hate girls. It shocked me into remembering why I struggled so much in High School. It burned. And was so unecessary! I had to step back and wonder to myself if all my progress in finding self worth was real? My first words out of my mouth to my dear sweet husband was "I am so much better than them! Why do I even care?" Actually, that leaves me at their level because they believe that they are so much better than everyone. I realized that to pull out of my dangerously steep spiral that was not the line of thought I needed to pursue. So what then? I began to reflect on how lucky I am. I am surrounded by girlfriends that don't need to do this to others to survive. I have loving, non-judging girlfriends that just love me for who I am. Not how many children I have, not how skinny I am, not whether or not I'm breastfeeding...they all just love me. And I am weird! And still loved! And I love all of you. I am becoming more whole and ok because of you. Thank you for putting up with my bizarre quirks....my desperate need to speak my mind...I love you all and I hope I've been that girlfriend for you!

{adventure}: toquerville falls

There is actually a crazy story that goes along with this place. Seven years ago (the first week I lived in St. George) a whole bunch of kids from here took me to this place. It was the coolest place ever! There was mud all over around the top of the waterfall and it was the perfect swimming temperature. And the bottom waterfall you could jump off into the very small (and a bit shallow) pond below. I have searched for this place since then and no one, and I mean NO ONE knew where this place was! After finding it again I now know why-it is in the MIDDLE of the desert with NOTHING even remotely near it and the road to get there could be considered impassable! And I rode in the back of the truck when I went there the first time! (Aw, the irresponsible things you do when cute guys are involved!) I have asked people that have lived in Southern Utah their entire life where to find this place and no one knew! Finally Jon's friend Scott started talking about his friend that had been to this cool waterfall (unusual, because they are few and far between in the middle of the desert!) and I just knew it was the place! And it was! So much fun!
Awww...swimming as a family.

That bottom waterfall is about a 10+ft drop or so into a 6ft deep pond...not too bad. Lots of fun!

Oh orange and red desert how I have come to love thee!

Jon caught a frog! So cute!

He had to pose with it because he loves it! Froggie!

{consequences}: supernatural

The consequences of watching too much Supernatural:

• Salt has moved to the top of my "food storage needs" list.
• When my cats eyes dialated (turned almost completely black because she wanted to play) I salted her and lit her on fire.
• Guns are looking like maybe a good investment.
• That silver refining community ed class is looking like a good idea.
• We have finalized our zombie attack plan-meet at costco....uh...unless you're already a zombie...then...meet at Walmart? in bloomington?
• I'm thinking its a good thing one of our friends is a mortician...in case we need some dead mans blood...
• Everything now has something to blame. Dirty dishes? probably an evil spirit. Shadows? Probably shadow people.
• Darkness=Scary.
• What were those indian legends on the reservation next door...skinwalkers?
• Oh, and crazy dreams. Don't worry though. In my last one I was in trouble so I would pause my dream and photoshop what ever the problem was out of the picture....which could lead me to another post: "the consequences of doing too much editing..."

We LOVE Supernatural. Jon really isn't into scary stuff...and really neither am I when it comes down to it, but this TV series is awesome! It is just a little bit of scary...not too much. Love it!

{relationships}: food

Read this book! Over the past couple of years only a few things have changed my complex relationship with food. Up until then, it was a full-fledged war! Now, we are beginning to compromise. After getting married my relationship with food changed, after going through counseling, and especially after getting pregnant! But this book is amazing! It has finally given me some of the peace I've been searching for and sadly, it wasn't anything I didn't already know. Basically (and this is the LDS version) satan has convinced us to hate our bodies-the one thing he can't have! And we do. And we shouldn't. We should love and value our bodies. And trust them. And listen to them. And realize that we are children of God! We should lose our minds to our spirits-not the other way around! And I know this sounds really new-agey and like another feel-good book that won't do anything but I really think there is so much more to this than just some feel-goods. I've never successfully lost weight since I stopped hating myself because there is no reason to starve and beat up a body that you love! Since I've gained control of my life and enjoy it I have no reason to not eat! Unfortunately, I've swung a little far to the other side and I do occasionally catch myself doing so emotional eating (it was actually mostly at work...I eat A LOT less now that I'm at home). But I ate at work to cope...I needed it! And when you're in a sugar coma you can't feel anything else-you can't feel the stress or craziness creeping up on you and as soon as you can-cupcakes will again take it away! What is wrong with feeling-even if it is bad or difficult feelings? Why not be stressed...? It is ok to feel. And I'm learning what hunger feels like and what full feels like. I know what stuffed feels like...and I'm getting better at hunger... I began to listen and learn these things while I was pregnant, and now I'm just trying to hone my skills. I lost them while busy...which is so weird because how do you become so disconnected from your body that you don't know what your basic instincts feel like anymore? So me, my body, my mind, and my spirit are all getting to know each other again...it's been a good reunion so far...but really, I make no sense. Go read the book.

{idaho}: a pilgrimage

(note: I have no idea what I am doing wrong when I upload my photos but they are really, REALLY artifacted this time...anyone have any tips?)
So, we recently returned from a trip home to Idaho. We haven't been home in over a year, so it was wonderful to go home and visit. The weather was fabulous! Now is definitely the time to be there and not here!
We took family pictures with the Davis side of our family.

And us...the Davis'

I cannot get over the view from my parents backyard. Backyards with horses....mmmm...

I gardened a bit while I was there in my parents front yard and my Mom showed me this nest! These crazy birds come back every year and nest on the ground in our front yard! A couple of years ago it was in the middle of one of the burms in the middle of the yard but this time they nested in the wood chips underneath some pine trees off to the side. Crazy birds! After incubating and nesting some offspring myself I think leaving your eggs in the middle of someones front yard is probably a bad idea. Both parents kept yelling at me that I was getting too close the whole time I was taking this pic. It was funny...

Me and my brother. Christina just happened to have some sunglasses that matched his shirt perfectly in her purse...awesome! And oh, Famous Daves how I have missed you!

This baby cow is less than a week old. We just had to stop by Reed's while we were up there and stock up on Chocolate Milk...we brought some back for a lucky few of you.... :D

My nephew, Freedom is becoming interested in photography so I thought it would be fun to go light painting. Here in Southern Utah, it seems we have an abundance of abandoned things to light paint. In South-Eastern Idaho everyone still lives right next to their things that look like they should be abandoned (barns and such)....sooo...we drove around in the middle of the night quite a bit until finally we just headed up to Kelly's and pointed towards the North Star (its the one in the very middle). I'm not entirely sure if my nephew and brother-in-law now think I'm nuts...but we had a good time nonetheless!!

Paisley loves my dog Ginger, and Ginger loves her too. She just loved to look at her through the window!

Crumbs on her face. She thought my parents wood floors were awesome!

Paisley got to ride in a 4th of July parade! It was for a ward/block party.I believe this was Mama Benson's first time driving the lawn mower...it made for some fun!

Mmmmm....parades, bbq's, sunshine, jello, sunscreen, swimming...I love it all!

Miss Paisley bug looking at her Daddy...

Love Loves...

Jon playing with Curtis...I miss this. I still feel like I broke up the band back in the day and it makes me sad...

I have gained a testimony of this stuff. We decided to pull an all-night drive to get home (planning on leaving around 6-ish) and we didn't get out of town until 9PM! Both of us have been sick with allergies, sore throats and whatever else and by then we were super tired...so I chugged one of these. I'd never had one before and they WORK! I was alive! And it was the moment I drank it that I popped awake! Amazing! Anyway, we survived and pulled into home sweet home around 5 in the AM! UG.

For those of you that have your families close...squeeze them extra hard next time you see them. I miss my family. I miss Jon's family. So much. Seeing all of them, all at once was so wonderful. We had the opportunity to start working on some of Jon's family history work while we were there and it has been the coolest thing in the world to be able to begin to put things together. It's hard...our neices and nephews keep growing...my siblings are turning into adults...and I feel like we blinked and missed it! We love St. George and I think it will be home to us...but it is so wonderful to visit IF town...

{vulnerability}: rejection

I'm feeling vulnerable. I applied to do something that I thought would be a breeze and they turned me down. It hurts. I can try again and reapply...but it has really shaken me. And maybe it's good for me to take it back down to essentials and try again but it's really left me feeling vulnerable and incapable. I have to fight hard not to feel this way all the time and it's like if someone can actually penetrate my mental fortress it throws me through a loop. I think I've always felt like I'm only pretty good at a lot of things...but not exceptionally good at anything. I never win first prize. I place-which I'm not ungrateful for, but I never win. And I only compete in the first place if I think I'll do well... Then I over-analyze myself-did I give up there at the end? Could I have done better? Of course I could have done better!!!-you can ALWAYS do better. Certain kinds of rejection are hard on me...and this hit home.

I need another cookie...