My sweet baby girl...

I cannot believe it was a week ago today that I was in labor...it has gone so fast.  I know that Jon wrote the run down of what happened, but for journaling sake I thought I would add some.  Childbirth is painful.  There really isn't any way around it.  For the most part I was able to keep it together while I was in the shower on my ball, but the minute that they needed me to get out and monitor me I would lose it.  I got the privilege of seeing how much strength Jon really has-he kept me together when I wasn't in the shower and made the last stretch before the epidural possible.  The worst was wanting to cry so badly because of the pain and not being able to-I would try and sob and I just couldn't.  It was hard to watch Jon do everything he could not to cry also.  When she checked me and said I was at a 6 I said good, let's do the epidural.  I had a goal of going natural, but mostly just wanted to see how I could handle everything.  The childbirth education classes that we downloaded recommended trying to put off pain meds until at at least a 5 so making it to a 6 was good enough for me.  I'm so glad I got an epidural.  I went from a 6 to a 9 in an hour-which could have been because of the pain relief, but either way I don't know that I wanted to feel that.  That was really my conclusion about the whole thing as well-I kept asking myself if I could do this and the answer was mostly yes, but really did I want to do this without pain relief?  That's what made the decision for me.  I didn't want to.  It hurt a lot.  Anyway my only complaint about getting the epidural is that I feel like I was emotionally numb as well as physically.  It really could be the shock of everything that was going on but after she came everyone was really emotional and teary-eyed and I didn't feel a lot.  I mostly just wanted to sleep.  It was so wonderful having her laid on my chest immediately after she was born-she didn't cry and settled herself right in, safe and happy as can be.  Jon cut the cord-he wasn't sure that he could but he did and he said it wasn't so bad.  I also feel very lucky because Paisley got the hang of nursing down fairly quickly.  We have our struggles sometimes now, but those first few days she did really well.  The hospital was wonderful to us.  My nurse through delivery was amazing and very supportive of what I wanted to do.  I feel so blessed to have had everything go so well and to see that Paisley is so healthy.  I have turned into everything I promised I wouldn't.  I don't want to put her down, I have a hard time being in another room, and I wake up every 5 minutes because I'm not sure if she's breathing.  Jon and I went to target the day after we came home to grab a couple things and we left her with my mom...the entire time we were there I was on the verge of tears-every squeak and cry we heard sent me looking for her.  Jon is beginning to believe I'm a crazy person.  I am.  I have a feeling this journey is only going to get more exhausting...but we sure do love her.