{special}: hyperemesis gravidarum

I love this book.  I cried a lot while I read it.  I'm really struggling.  I think the hardest part is that I will have a good couple of days where I'm not AS sick so I start to think maybe it's letting up.  And then it comes back-with a vengeance.  I keep hearing it's supposed to be so much better with my second baby.  Nope.  I actually think I might be worse.  I also made the mistake of not realizing how much the zofran really is keeping me alive and missed a pill.  I didn't recover for a couple of days.  I keep thinking it's not doing much because I still feel so sick all of the time.  It is doing SO MUCH.

You see, I am part of the blessed 1% that has hyperemesis gravidarum meaning that left unmedicated I would lose more than 5% of my body weight (which I did with Paisley before meds) and that most likely I will be sick for the entire pregnancy (also how things went with Paisley).  Morning sickness is such a hardship that is really difficult to explain.  I'm so happy to be pregnant because it results in a baby, BUT I'm not actually that happy to be pregnant because I feel like I have a disease. 

I see why it's hard for people to understand too-if you've never been sick for weeks at a time, constantly trying not to throw up, gagging often, you just can't understand how it is.  I feel like a terrible mother-we just watch tv all day.  I feel like I've completely lost track of any sort of healthy diet-all veggies are gross to me, as is meat (minus buffalo wings, who knew) but coke and any starchy carbs are great.

I try so hard to be normal but I feel like I'm over compensating half the time...I just don't feel like myself and if I'm left to my thoughts too long all I can think is that I'm going to be sick until June.  That is so far...  So I've been tired and grumpy and ultimately just a sad case.

Normally I try to avoid blogging too much when I'm in this state...it's funny because when I was sick with Paisley there were just a couple of months I was mostly absent from blogging for this same reason.  All I can do is keep praying that I at least get my energy back in the second tri like I did with Paisley-that helped out immensely with making the sickness bearable last time.  This time I wanted to blog this mostly for myself so that looking back when I want another one I can read this and really think long and hard before I do it again.  Also, really just to reach out and offer any support to anyone that is going through this as well...its hard.


  1. oh april i truly feel your pain. I get the same way. It's really an indescribable feeling to have to go through, not only does it effect you by pain and uncomfort but totally mentally. I felt the same way as far as being a worthless mother for the first 4 months of this last pregnancy, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I know you went the whole pregnancy with paisley sick but I'm really praying it will end before your last trimester so you can enjoy being pregnant and so we can get our april back! Let me know if you need anything I'm here for you ALWAYS!

  2. april, i am so sorry. i had morning sickness but it sounds like NOTHING compared to what you are going through. its SOOOOOO HARD to try to explain something to people when they haven't been through it. we truly do not understand. please please please let me know how i can help. want me to take paisley for an afternoon? or bring you a special dinner? (coke and carbs?) don't be afraid to ask. I'M asking YOU what i can do for you. you have to give me an answer! i hope you get back to normal soon, too. we do miss you. love ya!

  3. I'm so sorry! Really I am. Just give yourself a break and remember how many of us other pregnant moms let their children watch tv all day, make their own pb&j sandwiches, or eat whatever crap they can find just so we survive; you're not alone. You're not a bad person or mom. Also, your energy will come back! And then, even though you're still sick, life is normal between sick spells and it changes everything! I know you know these things, but now that I've hit the flip side, I can remind you because I know when I was there, I was alternately counting down the days until 12 weeks when I'd feel better (ha ha ha!), or feeling like the world might as well crash down on me now because there was no way I could live another day like that. So since you're there, just accept it for now and remember that sometime in the not so distant future, things will be better. And keep telling yourself you never have to do it again- that helps, even if it is a lie!

  4. I HATE feeling like an invalid for months on end! I don't have the morning sickness but with my own share of problems I kind of understand. As long as everyone is still alive at the end of the day I think you've done your job, besides Paisley is so young she will never remember months on the couch being cozy, and for now it's an ok thing.


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