{update}: the pregnancy

The most common questions I keep getting asked are now answered:

• Yes, I am still sick.  No, it's not going away and it's just as bad with my second, if not worse.  I am starting to believe that the worse-ness of it is simply because I cannot sleep my life away like I was able to with Paisley because of, well, Paisley.  However, thankfully I am getting some energy back and while I still throw up my guts if I don't take my meds, the nausea isn't as strong...  Distraction seems to be the best medicine for me-getting out, seeing people, etc, but at the same time wears me out terribly.
• We find out what we are having TOMORROW!!  Yes, I am SUPER excited.  I had no idea that my office would do a 16 week gender check and I am super excited to see what we're having.  I just want healthy really...a girl would be nice because we already have everything, but it would be so fun to have a boy...so it's hard to say what I want.  I kind of think it's a boy...but who really knows until they get here anyway, right?
• Yes, I have the most amazing midwife in the world.  My awesome cousin Katie is a Nurse-Midwife here in StG and is backed by Dr. Lunt-who seems to be an awesome doc.  I am beyond excited that our hospital is currently installing tubs in 2 of their rooms including equipment to monitor while still in the tub.  They will also allow me to get in the tub if my water breaks (something they wouldn't let me do before) so I'm hoping if things go as quickly and as smoothly as they did with Paisley I can just pop this one out drug free.  We'll see.  Labor hurts-I remember that part, but water saved me last time-it was the getting out of the shower and monitoring that killed so I have high hopes that if I can stay in the water I can make it. 
• I think, MAYBE I'm starting to feel the critter move.  Maybe.  There's been a few flutters here and there that seem familiar but nothing huge yet.  I can't wait for that.  That's my favorite part-and really the only reason I was willing to get pregnant this time.  It seems like Paisley was really distinct around 17 or 18 weeks so I hope I'm getting close...
• And yes, I would love it if you want to come rub my feet and clean my house.  So sweet of you for asking...lol.  I'm trying really hard to stay positive and keep my chin up but some days are hard.  I really do have the best and most patient husband in the world.  He tries to take care of me and it's very sweet. 

{laughs}: read

When I read the bottom one I was laughing so hard I was crying-as was Jon.  There have been too many days Jon has come home to me in the exact same state I was in when he left-and our nude child running around the house destroying what may be left of what I accomplished...too funny.

{special}: hyperemesis gravidarum

I love this book.  I cried a lot while I read it.  I'm really struggling.  I think the hardest part is that I will have a good couple of days where I'm not AS sick so I start to think maybe it's letting up.  And then it comes back-with a vengeance.  I keep hearing it's supposed to be so much better with my second baby.  Nope.  I actually think I might be worse.  I also made the mistake of not realizing how much the zofran really is keeping me alive and missed a pill.  I didn't recover for a couple of days.  I keep thinking it's not doing much because I still feel so sick all of the time.  It is doing SO MUCH.

You see, I am part of the blessed 1% that has hyperemesis gravidarum meaning that left unmedicated I would lose more than 5% of my body weight (which I did with Paisley before meds) and that most likely I will be sick for the entire pregnancy (also how things went with Paisley).  Morning sickness is such a hardship that is really difficult to explain.  I'm so happy to be pregnant because it results in a baby, BUT I'm not actually that happy to be pregnant because I feel like I have a disease. 

I see why it's hard for people to understand too-if you've never been sick for weeks at a time, constantly trying not to throw up, gagging often, you just can't understand how it is.  I feel like a terrible mother-we just watch tv all day.  I feel like I've completely lost track of any sort of healthy diet-all veggies are gross to me, as is meat (minus buffalo wings, who knew) but coke and any starchy carbs are great.

I try so hard to be normal but I feel like I'm over compensating half the time...I just don't feel like myself and if I'm left to my thoughts too long all I can think is that I'm going to be sick until June.  That is so far...  So I've been tired and grumpy and ultimately just a sad case.

Normally I try to avoid blogging too much when I'm in this state...it's funny because when I was sick with Paisley there were just a couple of months I was mostly absent from blogging for this same reason.  All I can do is keep praying that I at least get my energy back in the second tri like I did with Paisley-that helped out immensely with making the sickness bearable last time.  This time I wanted to blog this mostly for myself so that looking back when I want another one I can read this and really think long and hard before I do it again.  Also, really just to reach out and offer any support to anyone that is going through this as well...its hard.