{reflection}: inner warmth

I think I'm finally beginning to be more comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how else to describe it. It's weird growing-I don't want to say growing up because I refuse to, but just growing. I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago, or the same person I was 10 years ago-and I hope that if I continue in this positive direction that I will be the person I want to be in the next 10... Part of this positive direction came with grabbing on to who I was-I think I began to lose that. I became too judgemental and I actually cared what other people thought for awhile-always a bad idea. I think that began with my roommates my Freshman year of college-they could tell you everything that was wrong with a girl just by glancing at her and did!! I had never really looked at other girls quite that harshly.. It continued with people that told me repeatedly that my jokes were too inappropriate, my red lipstick was just too much and was I really going to wear that/be that/do that??
I can safely and comfortably say yes, I really am going to say that/do that/be that! And I have toned down-but not in the areas that make me who I am. I've moved on to friends that care and love me for who I am. I have an ever supportive husband that supports my ever changing hair colors. And I have a sweet baby girl who needs a mother that feels comfortable and happy in her own skin-I want Paisley to have that and to see that in me.
How did I get here? Well, for starters I just stopped looking at myself in the nude. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm a work in progress and is it really necessary? I mean I still shower and stuff.... I also made an effort to renew my love with creativity. I began making things again. I began taking pictures because I love to take pictures. Probably the biggest help was the decision to surround my self with lovers instead of haters. And really being home with my baby girl-she has helped heal me the most. She loves me. Always. No matter what. And I know that won't last forever so I hope I can just bottle a little extra every time she looks up at me with nothing but love in her eyes. I have found joy in movement again-I love zumba. I think that Jon is finally beginning his healing process too-we've had a rough couple of years...a moment of reprieve has been nice! And lastly, I wore awesome pink galoshes all day in this beautiful rainy weather and really, nothing could make one happier! I love you all!


  1. Nothing feels better than knowing who you are and loving it! Sounds like it's been quite the process- but at least you are "on that road" now and not waiting another 20 years to love yourself. Way to go! Bottle up how you feel now, and how your family feels about you and remember to call upon that memory when you have a "I hate me" moment. it does wonders!
    <3 you too April! You go girl! :D


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