{laughs}: read

When I read the bottom one I was laughing so hard I was crying-as was Jon.  There have been too many days Jon has come home to me in the exact same state I was in when he left-and our nude child running around the house destroying what may be left of what I accomplished...too funny.

{special}: hyperemesis gravidarum

I love this book.  I cried a lot while I read it.  I'm really struggling.  I think the hardest part is that I will have a good couple of days where I'm not AS sick so I start to think maybe it's letting up.  And then it comes back-with a vengeance.  I keep hearing it's supposed to be so much better with my second baby.  Nope.  I actually think I might be worse.  I also made the mistake of not realizing how much the zofran really is keeping me alive and missed a pill.  I didn't recover for a couple of days.  I keep thinking it's not doing much because I still feel so sick all of the time.  It is doing SO MUCH.

You see, I am part of the blessed 1% that has hyperemesis gravidarum meaning that left unmedicated I would lose more than 5% of my body weight (which I did with Paisley before meds) and that most likely I will be sick for the entire pregnancy (also how things went with Paisley).  Morning sickness is such a hardship that is really difficult to explain.  I'm so happy to be pregnant because it results in a baby, BUT I'm not actually that happy to be pregnant because I feel like I have a disease. 

I see why it's hard for people to understand too-if you've never been sick for weeks at a time, constantly trying not to throw up, gagging often, you just can't understand how it is.  I feel like a terrible mother-we just watch tv all day.  I feel like I've completely lost track of any sort of healthy diet-all veggies are gross to me, as is meat (minus buffalo wings, who knew) but coke and any starchy carbs are great.

I try so hard to be normal but I feel like I'm over compensating half the time...I just don't feel like myself and if I'm left to my thoughts too long all I can think is that I'm going to be sick until June.  That is so far...  So I've been tired and grumpy and ultimately just a sad case.

Normally I try to avoid blogging too much when I'm in this state...it's funny because when I was sick with Paisley there were just a couple of months I was mostly absent from blogging for this same reason.  All I can do is keep praying that I at least get my energy back in the second tri like I did with Paisley-that helped out immensely with making the sickness bearable last time.  This time I wanted to blog this mostly for myself so that looking back when I want another one I can read this and really think long and hard before I do it again.  Also, really just to reach out and offer any support to anyone that is going through this as well...its hard.

{holiday}: gifts

I was just reading in my Martha Stewart magazine and they had asked readers what the best gift they had given was. Then a friend of mine had this song post on FB and the memory just couldn't help but flood back...

I was living down here in St. George and Jon was back home in Idaho Falls. It was December and I had plans to go home and visit him. I'd led him to believe that I wasn't going to be there until right before Christmas but luckily I was actually able to take off from work a few day earlier than he thought. At the time I didn't have a car-I was just buzzing around on my scooter so going home meant finding rides or flying...but this time it meant Greyhound. I hadn't ever ridden on a Greyhound bus, and I honestly can't recommend it. I remember so clearly my roommates and our friend Patrick dropping me off at midnight at McDonalds with my bag and my snowboard. We stopped in Cedar at the station where I paid for my ticket and headed on our way. I ended up sitting next to a nice looking black guy-and woke up in Salt Lake-my head on his shoulder and arms curled around his. lol. I'm a friendly sleeper.

I called Jon from Salt Lake and told him a long story about being called into work early and not being sure if I'd even be able to get home! I remember him asking me how I was even planning on getting up there and telling him I'd figure something out. It was awesome. This is when the fun really began. I got onto another bus and unfortunately the only route from SLC to IF meant stopping in Logan-making a 3 hour drive a 6 hour one. And we stopped at every single little town on the way. I had no idea. There was a really random station out in the middle of nowhere-this is where a nice man from the back of the bus tried to sell me some weed. Then we got back on the bus where everyone in the back proceeded to smoke said weed. I also got to see some magazine porn for the first time. lovely. Did I mention they were passing around whiskey as well? And the funniest story from one of the guys about how his wife is abusive and he only married her so she could get citizenship and he was travelling cross country to see her so they could divorce....it was a colorful trip. A lot of the details are blurred at this point, I just remember I never really wanted to ride on a bus again...

Finally at noon, 12 hours after leaving St. George I arrived to my parents in Idaho Falls! We ran home and I called Jon to find out where he was and what he was up to. I explained I was on break at work (while actually driving in the car to his destination). He was clear across town at Wal-mart so I drove there as fast as I could. I remember asking him as I headed in the door where he was-he was in the Christmas card aisle with Gayle and they were picking out cards for his family. So I found him, ran up to him and kissed him under his ear. He froze. Surprisingly he looked at Gayle first and she stood-mouth wide open-gaping at me, which I think freaked him out worse. He finally turned and looked at me...Oh I loved his face!! He mumbled and mumbled that he was just talking to me and that I was in St. George....

And that's the best gift I've ever given. I finally surprised him...and he surprised me over that Christmas break by proposing. And here we are...

Oh, and the song? I listened to that on repeat for the entire 12 hour drive...you know, when I wasn't being offered weed or porn...lol.

{news}

Soooo...I am with child.  I've been dying to talk about it (mostly so I can complain, I'm awful) but I wanted to see the critter first and the heartbeat and there is definitely a baby in there!!  Hopefully this child will be debuting mid-June, making me 10 weeks along. 

I think I'm actually more sick with this one that I was with Paisley.  I don't know if it's just that I have a 2 year old to chase around, or if I'm actually sicker, but it's been a rough 4 weeks!  My fear is that I will continue to be sick the full 9 months like I was with Paisley-so pray for me!!  I've turned into this sad monster that mopes around crying and puking everywhere-but thankfully not as much as I could be, thanks to my magic friend Zofran! 

We really are super excited, but if this continues to be as rough as it's been I'm thinking this may be our last natural child...I don't know.  I'm not a fan of the person I become when I'm so sick all the time.

And to those sweet people who have been loving on me and taking care of me through all of this...Thank you so much.  ♥

{read}: go have a laugh...

Go read this: http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

I promise, it's a good laugh.  My friend Stevie posted it a year ago and then again a couple of weeks ago and I've been meaning to repost it for a laugh and today is just one of those days...

Enjoy!

{holidays}: halloween

 Soooo...I was super lame this year and really didn't get a lot of good pictures of anything for Halloween.  These are really the 2 best of Paisley...I should have gone out during the day or something, but it just didn't happen.  She was Cinderella!!  We hadn't put her shoes on yet for the bottom picture, but she wore glass slippers too (I found some sweet sparkly jelly shoes at DI!!)    She was so excited to wear make-up, but not excited to let me curl her hair so we mostly just got the bangs.  She was so darling Trick or Treating!!!  She would go up to the doors and say "Please?" or "Treat?"  The next day she grabbed an orange pail we have and headed out the front door to go "treating!"  It was so funny.  She LOVES candy and is constantly asking for some now that she knows where it is!! 


My sweet little Cinderella

{organizing}: bills, budgets, and a binder!

So I've been working on a project for the last couple of weeks and I wanted to share.   My new love is Pintrest and I'm happy to say that I feel like I spend as much time working on projects that are inspired by Pintrest as much as I spend time on Pintrest...so its ok, right?  I might be a little bit addicted...Anyway, a recent blog I got to from there had ideas for a pantry revamp, including a family binder revamp.  AMAZING!!  I have yet to revamp the pantry (it's in the works), but I loved some of the ideas for the family binder so I took some of what she suggested and made up a lot of my own...and it became this!!  My new Bills Binder:

 Something that she suggested was the dividers with pockets-super brilliant idea!!  I used to put my bills in a bin and sort through them twice a month or so.  Jon has never been involved in the bill paying and it's something I've wanted him to be involved in for a long time.  With this system, paying the bills could be done by Paisley!!  I made a tab for each bill that we have with a cover sheet with the logo and following information and due date.  This way ANYONE (which is a little scary) could log into any of our accounts for any of our bills and pay them.  This way when I forget which password is which, or I have customer service on the phone I can readily reference all my information quickly!  I also plan on keeping all the bill stubs for the year behind the tab for records and comparison (normally they go into an accordian file, but I hate filing them so sometimes it just ends up being an endless pile!!)  So ideally* the bill comes in the mail or e-mail, I place it in the tab folder, I sit down to pay bills once a week (or Jon or Paisley, lol) and I have EVERYTHING I could possibly need to sit down and pay everything.  I mark whats paid, place it behind the tab and continue on with my life!!

Another thing that I've wanted is a clean cut "which bills are due when."  I hate having all of that on my normal day to day calendar (it's full) and if the two of us are going to be paying bills I really wanted a visual to show when, who and what has been paid.  I actually have an app on my phone and so does Jon that was supposed to help with this, but so far I really just like having things on paper.  So I put together this worksheet.  This way if something gets paid, or doesn't we have a quick reference at the beginning of the binder.  I added EVERY bill that is a possiblility-some we don't actually always have to pay (like my Victoria's Secret card), but this way if I do have a balance I have a note to check and pay it on time. 

And lastly, the Budget worksheet.  This layout is stolen from "One for the Money," but I split it into 2 groups because we get paid twice a month.  This way I have a general idea how much spending money I have versus bill amounts in the 2 pay periods.  I'm debating on using the cash method for this...we tried it for a minute-it's just super hard because I hate going to the bank!!  (we don't have a drive thru on our side of town and I'm SUPER lazy).  Ideally too I can watch these and add in the actual as we go to see how we're really doing.  Once again, I have an awesome website that make pie charts and everything (mint.com) BUT it updates too slowly and I have to go categorize EVERYTHING that we spend if we want it to work properly.  ug.  So I'm hoping with this revamp that Jon and I can be on the same page, and that we can be more organized and aware when it comes to bills and budgeting!!

I share because I hope this works!!  Jon and I have struggled our entire marriage with bills, budgeting and staying organized and I hope so much that this helps us get on the same page!!  I really want him to be involved-to help relieve some stress and so he can see more clearly where his hard earned money is going!!  What things have worked for you in your budgeting???



{modesty}: a discourse

I just spent too long of a lunch being lectured about modesty.  I consider myself and my sister (who was there) fairly modest people, and so the lecture-which wasn't even necessarily pointed toward us-was quite annoying.  I'm tired of it.  Not because I don't agree with being modest, but because I keep hearing the same stupid things over and over again that don't make a lot of sense and I'm tired of all of it!!

1. (My personal favorite) "Well, people think badly (judge) when they see girls dressed immodestly because they automatically know what kind of girl they are."  What??!  I'm sorry, but this is some lame excuse everyone has come up with to feel better about judging people.  I'm not buying it.
2. "You just don't understand how men think."  I have only heard this phrase from other women.  Lots of them were single women.  Women that haven't spent a lot of time with men.  I have had several close male friends, and now a husband that have given me lots of insight into the minds of males...and yes, they certainly can be filthy.  And yes, scantily clad women running around doesn't necessarily help BUT I fail to see how their brain, their agency, their ability to control their thoughts or actions is MY PROBLEM?  These men are going to be around women for the rest of their lives, and when it comes down to it are capable of sexualizing ANYTHING...seriously, I know...I have a lot of male friends...  Can we help out by wearing some clothes, absolutely.  Ultimately, is this MY problem? no.
3. "2 piece swimsuits are terribly immodest."  They are.  So are 1 piece swimsuits.  All swimwear is tight, cut, and revealing.  ALL SWIMWEAR.  We recently went to a pageant (which brought a lot of this up) and several girls wore 2 piece swimsuits.  Was I shocked because they were 2 pieces?  Not so much...more shocked at the lack of self-awareness and inability to realize how unflattering the suits were on themselves.  If you are going to parade yourself around in any type of swimsuit, I don't know that it matters much if it's 2 pieces or one.  We get to see all of your goods one way or another.  Will Paisley have to wear modest swimsuits growing up?  You betcha-currently I'm loving tankinis but we'll see what we're dealing with when we get there.
4. This isn't a specific phrase, but more of a frame of mind.  I am SO TIRED of seeing all of the sweet girls embarrassed of their bodies because their parents taught them to be (so they would cover up).  It makes me sick.  I had a good friend who had been taught to be embarrassed of her boobs all growing up so that her parents didn't have to worry about her showing them off.  Now, I'm not an advocate for showing them off, but I don't think it should be embarrassment that drives girls to modesty.
5. "All naked bodies are pornographic."  Yeah, it's because of you people that I had to hide under a tent just to feed my child while I was nursing!!!!  ALL NAKED BODIES ARE NOT PORNOGRAPHY!!!!  If you believe that, YOU HAVE THE PROBLEM.  Please, PLEASE don't tell me that every time you see a naked little kid that you instantly sexualize the situation because that is YOUR problem.
6. "All naked bodies are disgusting."  How sad for you.  How sad for your children.  How sad that you look at your spouse and yourself in disgust.  I don't understand it.  I see so much beauty in people and their bodies and it's sad to me that anyone would honestly believe this!

I choose to be modest for many reasons.  Mostly out of respect for myself.  I don't do it because I'm worrying what everyone is thinking about me (particularly all those FILTHY men), I don't do it because I'm embarrassed of my body, and I don't do it because of anyone else but myself.  I also am a member of a Church that advocates modesty.  I love how they advocate it too:

     "Your body is God’s sacred creation. Respect it as a gift from God, and do not defile it in any way. Through your dress and appearance, you can show the Lord that you know how precious your body is. You can show that you are a disciple of Jesus Christ.  Prophets of God have always counseled His children to dress modestly. The way you dress is a reflection of what you are on the inside."                               from "For the Strength of Youth"

And that's how Paisley is going to learn.  She should never be doing anything because of what people might say or think about her and how she dresses is at the top of that list!  Modesty isn't even how you dress so much as how you wear it.  It's a frame of mind.  And for me it's how I keep my undies covered ;)

{design}: for fun

Sometimes I like to do some design for fun...I need to do it more.  I love these lyrics by the Avett Brothers.

{autumn}: pumpkin patch



I wanted so badly to get some cute pictures of Paisley with this amazing pumpkin patch in the background...instead, I was getting a lot of this...

and this....

And I did finally get this one, but only because she saw a doggie...

pumpkins hold still.  I like that.

I think this one is my fave.

Now guess how many pictures I had to take to get her in focus and not the fence!!!!  And I know, I could have just used the manual focus...BUT she kept moving!!!

Alecia's Grandfather up in Richfield, UT was SO kind to let us come play and pick out some super cool pumpkins!!  And we had so much fun :)

{update}: miss p

A recent conversation between parents:

Jon:  You know, this show could be so much shorter.
April: What do you mean?
Jon:  If Blue would just tell Steve what she wanted in the first place!  I mean it's ridiculous for him to have to go through all this stuff when she could just tell him!
April:  ?

I also found myself crouched outside Paisley's door during her naptime.  Jon discovered that if you hold his phone upside down we can use the camera to clearly see what she's doing during her naps.  Yesterday that included climbing up on her table, into the window (with blinds) and talking to the world outside, jumping on the bed and generally climbing on everything!!  The crazy thing is that you can't hear any of that downstairs!!

Lately I've been giving Paisley the option of wearing a diaper or panties.  She used to always choose the panties.  Lately she's been choosing the diaper everyday...I don't think she wants to deal with going potty any more than I do!!

She's been talking about her Da Da more and more too, and it's so cute.  I was gone all day Saturday and while Jon was here she fell off a chair on her head, which I guess was pretty traumatic.  While her and I were eating dinner later that night she pointed to the chair and said "I fall" and I said, "Oh?"  and she said "Dada help," while holding her head.  I can't wait until she's talking more!!  I just want to be able to understand everything she's saying!! 

I was having a rough day not too long ago and I had called Jon to whine and Paisley really wanted to talk to him.  So I handed her the phone and she said hello and I love you to Jon.  I could hear Jon ask her if I was right there, and she replied "Mama."  He then told her to give me a hug and she turned and gave me a big hug and said "I love you" and then my heart melted. 

She is such a character!!  Both her and I are struggling with allergies (not as bad as in the past, but they're still there!!) and so we've both been tired and a bit grumpy.  Oh!  And this seems crazy, but for the last 2 weeks I haven't gotten bountiful baskets and that has made such a difference in my mood!  I really think that eating fresh produce everyday makes you feel better in SOO many ways!!  I finally was going crazy so I went to Harmons last night and got a bunch of fresh fruits and veggies.   I've been reading and studying up more on Nutritional Therapy and I'm really starting to think that there's something to it-and it really wasn't until I put it into practice that I've realized the difference that eating healthier has.  It's not that we've not eaten healthy in the last 2 weeks, we just haven't been eating as many veggies and fruits as we have been and it really does make a difference!!  I have been grumpy, tired (and I know allergies don't help either) and honestly craving something wholesome to eat!  It's like we've had scurvy!   Anyway, all that stuff they try and teach in nutrition class is probably true..just sayin'...lol.

{smells}: like fall

It smells like fall at my house:

• Pumpkin cookies baking...check!
• Pumpkin candles...check!
• Halloween box out...check! (this has its own smell of plastic, leaves and fall)
• Halloween decorations....up!

As a general rule I wait until the first of October to put up decorations, but this afternoon just seemed like the right time.  I really got my hopes up when the weather changed that it would stay fall and it surely did not.  So yes, I have been putting up decorations with the AC blasting, but I'm really hoping we have lovely summer weather this weekend for our trip to the lake, and then after that COLD!!  PLEASE!!!  I'm so ready for snuggle weather.  Paisley had the best time helping me decorate-she loves the little battery operated tea lights and she is obsessed with candles!!  She must smell them!  She also loved making cookies, and I love that she can help (not that I worry as much as I should about raw egg, but these don't have any egg so there's no worry at all!)  Happy Autumn!!

{♥}: love language

It's about time for some sort of update, yes?  I guess I'm tired of opening up the blog and seeing my 9/11 post...sad.  Anyway, today has been an awesome day.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks came and spoke in person at our stake conference and it was the coolest thing ever.  The very best part?  Our dear and kind friends watched Paisley for us so we could pay attention.  It was amazing.  He was actually very funny and cracked jokes most of the time.  And when he wasn't cracking jokes, he talked about love.  Mostly about the importance of loving everyone-which I love and strive to do.  It was a really awesome meeting.

On the topic of love, I've realized lately that food is one of my love languages.  Everything suddenly clicked for me through a couple of conversations that I've had lately and some pondering after those conversations.  My relationship with food is finally in a healthy state.  It's taken me 14+ years to reach this state, but I think I'm here!!  It began to click when I over-ate a couple of weeks ago.  I haven't over-eaten in a long time and the feeling of being overly full was somewhat strange.  To make a very long story short I used to deprive myself of food often and when I did eat-I would over eat, or eat something that "wasn't allowed" and then I would feel guilty, and then I would swear I wasn't going to eat anything bad ever again.  I would then try whatever crazy diet I could-tuna for every meal, lemonade cleanses, etc and end up sick and miserable-only to eat a bunch of garbage and start the guilt circle over again. 

Up until my pregnancy with Paisley I stayed in this awful circle!  After being pregnant and having her I realized that I needed to take care of my body in order to feed an infant, and I finally committed to change.  Even in my efforts to have a more healthy relationship with food I still struggled with over eating.  In the past year I have finally been able to just eat until I'm full and not need anything more.  This is huge for me.  I also made a commitment to exercise back in January and I'm so happy to say that I have finally been able to stick with that goal.

Now, I would love to post a before and after picture of me and my 50 lb weight-loss, but that hasn't happened.  And the best part is, I'm ok with that.  I'm healthy.  I enjoy food and don't stay up at night worrying about what I'm eating.  I enjoy exercising and look forward to zumba!!!   And this, my friends, is why food is my love language.  I have finally started to love myself-enough to give myself food.  The best part about this healthy body of mine?  It's feeling safe enough to let go of some of the weight-and I'm down 5-10 lbs from January (I flux), something I never thought I would see without crazy dieting and miserable exercise.  I feel better...in so many ways it's really hard to describe.  I love the energy that comes with working out, and the release that working out is!!  I still love sweets (and I always will), but I don't have a desperate need to ban them from my life, nor hoard them-and I can handle just eating one if that's all I have room for!

This may seem very basic to some of you that have never had struggles with food.  I know that some people that I talk to think I'm nuts when I talk about this like it's a huge break through.  For those of you that know what I'm talking about, and understand it too well I hope insights into my journey will help.  I just remember reading stories like this and gaining so much hope from them that someday I could be better too and I'm so happy to say that I'm there! ♥

"Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise."
Alma 37:6

{events}: 9/11

There is so much that goes through my mind in association with this event.  It's funny because I was listening to the radio that morning and the DJ at the time thought the whole thing was some fluke accident.  He was cracking joke after joke about some moron that flew a prop plane into one of the towers...I'm sure he sobered up real fast after all of the news hit.  I remember going to school and the hallways BUZZING and I had no idea what to think of everything.  My first period Chemistry teacher desperately tried to stick with chemistry and none of us could pay attention.  Thankfully my seminary teacher at least let us watch the news...but it wasn't until I got the my 3rd period class that I realized that this was scary.  I was a teacher's aide for my German Teacher, Herr Koepplin, during his planning hour and he was kind enough to let me just sit and watch the news.  I watched the second plane hit and I remember turning to him and asking if we should be scared...if anything was going to happen to us and if my Dad was ok out at the site (a government nuclear laboratory).  I don't think he had anything to say...which scared me more.  Most kids left at lunch.  Those of us that stayed mostly watched the news.  Thankfully they let us into the library and pulled TVs out to the lunch room so we could watch.  It was terrifying.  I went home to my Dad being home (they released everyone from work that day at the site) and we stayed glued to the tv for the next couple of days.
Unfortunately, now I am an adult and I can see why these events took place.  And the fear that exists is much greater, because at this point there really isn't any doubt in my mind that this was an inside job.  I'm not into conspiracies...at all, but after watching the footage again it's pretty obvious that it was a demolition.  Just recently a tower in Dallas was hit by a plane and NOTHING HAPPENED, because towers that size don't collapse when they're hit by planes.  I could go into reason after reason BUT the important thing is that many families suffered loss that day and for that I am sorry.  I also have so much appreciation for the very brave that did everything they could to help in such a horrible disaster.  It doesn't matter how or why, what matters is all those that were so personally affected by such a tradgedy.   I'm so proud to be an American and to live in this great country.  I feel like there may be many scary things taking place at the top, but in the end I love the people that make up this country and the sense of unity we all gained surviving this event together.  May we never forget to care for our neighbor and fellow Americans and to appreciate those that serve our country.

{summer}: family pictures

We finally did family pictures.  I started planning this in the Spring and originally was going to shoot them then but then I was busy...and then life this and life that...and then I realized we we could just wait for the Fair and do them then!  (of course, I still waited until the last minute to make my dress-even with months and months to do it!!)  I actually found Paisley's little dress at DI!!  I think it's authentic-it's yellow gingham with doilies on it and everything!!  Anyway, our friend Chad was kind enough to shoot them for us, I edited and I just loved how they turned out!!  It was SOO hot, but we brought a change of clothes so that we could have some fun at the fair!

This last one is my favorite.  Paisley could not take her eyes off this panda because she was SO confused.  She kept trying to talk to him and he wouldn't talk back and it was very upsetting to her.  We have a couple of stuffed animals that move or play music and she came home and then thought they were real too.  She sat in front of a monkey that we have that dances and plays music and said "hi" over and over again to see if he would talk and then got very upset when he never did.  She may be traumatized....
We went to the demolition derby again this year and it was awesome!!  We had a good time, but did not take any pictures...oh well.