{adventure}: toquerville falls

There is actually a crazy story that goes along with this place. Seven years ago (the first week I lived in St. George) a whole bunch of kids from here took me to this place. It was the coolest place ever! There was mud all over around the top of the waterfall and it was the perfect swimming temperature. And the bottom waterfall you could jump off into the very small (and a bit shallow) pond below. I have searched for this place since then and no one, and I mean NO ONE knew where this place was! After finding it again I now know why-it is in the MIDDLE of the desert with NOTHING even remotely near it and the road to get there could be considered impassable! And I rode in the back of the truck when I went there the first time! (Aw, the irresponsible things you do when cute guys are involved!) I have asked people that have lived in Southern Utah their entire life where to find this place and no one knew! Finally Jon's friend Scott started talking about his friend that had been to this cool waterfall (unusual, because they are few and far between in the middle of the desert!) and I just knew it was the place! And it was! So much fun!
Awww...swimming as a family.

That bottom waterfall is about a 10+ft drop or so into a 6ft deep pond...not too bad. Lots of fun!

Oh orange and red desert how I have come to love thee!

Jon caught a frog! So cute!

He had to pose with it because he loves it! Froggie!

{consequences}: supernatural

The consequences of watching too much Supernatural:

• Salt has moved to the top of my "food storage needs" list.
• When my cats eyes dialated (turned almost completely black because she wanted to play) I salted her and lit her on fire.
• Guns are looking like maybe a good investment.
• That silver refining community ed class is looking like a good idea.
• We have finalized our zombie attack plan-meet at costco....uh...unless you're already a zombie...then...meet at Walmart? in bloomington?
• I'm thinking its a good thing one of our friends is a mortician...in case we need some dead mans blood...
• Everything now has something to blame. Dirty dishes? probably an evil spirit. Shadows? Probably shadow people.
• Darkness=Scary.
• What were those indian legends on the reservation next door...skinwalkers?
• Oh, and crazy dreams. Don't worry though. In my last one I was in trouble so I would pause my dream and photoshop what ever the problem was out of the picture....which could lead me to another post: "the consequences of doing too much editing..."

We LOVE Supernatural. Jon really isn't into scary stuff...and really neither am I when it comes down to it, but this TV series is awesome! It is just a little bit of scary...not too much. Love it!

{relationships}: food

Read this book! Over the past couple of years only a few things have changed my complex relationship with food. Up until then, it was a full-fledged war! Now, we are beginning to compromise. After getting married my relationship with food changed, after going through counseling, and especially after getting pregnant! But this book is amazing! It has finally given me some of the peace I've been searching for and sadly, it wasn't anything I didn't already know. Basically (and this is the LDS version) satan has convinced us to hate our bodies-the one thing he can't have! And we do. And we shouldn't. We should love and value our bodies. And trust them. And listen to them. And realize that we are children of God! We should lose our minds to our spirits-not the other way around! And I know this sounds really new-agey and like another feel-good book that won't do anything but I really think there is so much more to this than just some feel-goods. I've never successfully lost weight since I stopped hating myself because there is no reason to starve and beat up a body that you love! Since I've gained control of my life and enjoy it I have no reason to not eat! Unfortunately, I've swung a little far to the other side and I do occasionally catch myself doing so emotional eating (it was actually mostly at work...I eat A LOT less now that I'm at home). But I ate at work to cope...I needed it! And when you're in a sugar coma you can't feel anything else-you can't feel the stress or craziness creeping up on you and as soon as you can-cupcakes will again take it away! What is wrong with feeling-even if it is bad or difficult feelings? Why not be stressed...? It is ok to feel. And I'm learning what hunger feels like and what full feels like. I know what stuffed feels like...and I'm getting better at hunger... I began to listen and learn these things while I was pregnant, and now I'm just trying to hone my skills. I lost them while busy...which is so weird because how do you become so disconnected from your body that you don't know what your basic instincts feel like anymore? So me, my body, my mind, and my spirit are all getting to know each other again...it's been a good reunion so far...but really, I make no sense. Go read the book.

{idaho}: a pilgrimage

(note: I have no idea what I am doing wrong when I upload my photos but they are really, REALLY artifacted this time...anyone have any tips?)
So, we recently returned from a trip home to Idaho. We haven't been home in over a year, so it was wonderful to go home and visit. The weather was fabulous! Now is definitely the time to be there and not here!
We took family pictures with the Davis side of our family.

And us...the Davis'

I cannot get over the view from my parents backyard. Backyards with horses....mmmm...

I gardened a bit while I was there in my parents front yard and my Mom showed me this nest! These crazy birds come back every year and nest on the ground in our front yard! A couple of years ago it was in the middle of one of the burms in the middle of the yard but this time they nested in the wood chips underneath some pine trees off to the side. Crazy birds! After incubating and nesting some offspring myself I think leaving your eggs in the middle of someones front yard is probably a bad idea. Both parents kept yelling at me that I was getting too close the whole time I was taking this pic. It was funny...

Me and my brother. Christina just happened to have some sunglasses that matched his shirt perfectly in her purse...awesome! And oh, Famous Daves how I have missed you!

This baby cow is less than a week old. We just had to stop by Reed's while we were up there and stock up on Chocolate Milk...we brought some back for a lucky few of you.... :D

My nephew, Freedom is becoming interested in photography so I thought it would be fun to go light painting. Here in Southern Utah, it seems we have an abundance of abandoned things to light paint. In South-Eastern Idaho everyone still lives right next to their things that look like they should be abandoned (barns and such)....sooo...we drove around in the middle of the night quite a bit until finally we just headed up to Kelly's and pointed towards the North Star (its the one in the very middle). I'm not entirely sure if my nephew and brother-in-law now think I'm nuts...but we had a good time nonetheless!!

Paisley loves my dog Ginger, and Ginger loves her too. She just loved to look at her through the window!

Crumbs on her face. She thought my parents wood floors were awesome!

Paisley got to ride in a 4th of July parade! It was for a ward/block party.I believe this was Mama Benson's first time driving the lawn mower...it made for some fun!

Mmmmm....parades, bbq's, sunshine, jello, sunscreen, swimming...I love it all!

Miss Paisley bug looking at her Daddy...

Love Loves...

Jon playing with Curtis...I miss this. I still feel like I broke up the band back in the day and it makes me sad...

I have gained a testimony of this stuff. We decided to pull an all-night drive to get home (planning on leaving around 6-ish) and we didn't get out of town until 9PM! Both of us have been sick with allergies, sore throats and whatever else and by then we were super tired...so I chugged one of these. I'd never had one before and they WORK! I was alive! And it was the moment I drank it that I popped awake! Amazing! Anyway, we survived and pulled into home sweet home around 5 in the AM! UG.

For those of you that have your families close...squeeze them extra hard next time you see them. I miss my family. I miss Jon's family. So much. Seeing all of them, all at once was so wonderful. We had the opportunity to start working on some of Jon's family history work while we were there and it has been the coolest thing in the world to be able to begin to put things together. It's hard...our neices and nephews keep growing...my siblings are turning into adults...and I feel like we blinked and missed it! We love St. George and I think it will be home to us...but it is so wonderful to visit IF town...

{vulnerability}: rejection

I'm feeling vulnerable. I applied to do something that I thought would be a breeze and they turned me down. It hurts. I can try again and reapply...but it has really shaken me. And maybe it's good for me to take it back down to essentials and try again but it's really left me feeling vulnerable and incapable. I have to fight hard not to feel this way all the time and it's like if someone can actually penetrate my mental fortress it throws me through a loop. I think I've always felt like I'm only pretty good at a lot of things...but not exceptionally good at anything. I never win first prize. I place-which I'm not ungrateful for, but I never win. And I only compete in the first place if I think I'll do well... Then I over-analyze myself-did I give up there at the end? Could I have done better? Of course I could have done better!!!-you can ALWAYS do better. Certain kinds of rejection are hard on me...and this hit home.

I need another cookie...

{growing}: a big girl cup for paisley

Paisley has started using a big girl cup! I read that it's possible if you just teach them and it is! I am really hoping to transition her straight from boob to cup after the year mark. She's had bottles, and I don't have a problem with them or anything, I just don't want her to get hooked. I've heard the goodnight feeding is the hardest to break, and I really don't have a problem continuing that after the year mark, I'm just hoping that we can smoothly transition her to milk in a cup during snacks and meals and call it good, and then maybe continue to nurse the last feeding. We'll see...she may not need it. Luckily she doesn't usually fall asleep nursing-we put her to bed wide awake and she's learned to go to sleep so I don't know if she'll even need it...I can't believe how big she is! She is so much fun. Her poor teeth have been giving her troubles off and on so she's been more needy lately but thank goodness I'm home. I think it would have been really hard on Jon if he was the one here trying to do school and work still.

He loves his new job. I think it's been a long time since he's been in a positive work environment where he's not constantly being torn down-he doesn't understand the positve encouragement and love he's received so far. It's so funny. Instead of all horrible IM's and phone calls he used to recieve (his old job rarely bothered to address him in person whether he was in the office or at home) he gets constant praise and feels needed. It is so nice for him and so comforting for me. He spent so many months wondering if they were just trying to make him quit because they were so awful-now he's had threats of murder at his new job if he even jokes about leaving! He loves it. They are such good people. We feel very blessed.

In other news...while I was sick I watched Anne of Green Gables. I don't know how many other people have seen those movies but I LOVE THEM! We used to watch them as kids and I haven't seen them in years! If you haven't ever seen them watch them. It's so worth it!

{a sad tale}: sickness

I am so sick. You would think that with the weight of the store lifted off of me I would feel like a million bucks, but instead I'm spending my first official week at home (no longer co-manager in any way) sick in bed. It's awful! And of course, because I am sick, so is Paisley. I just feel bad for the poor thing. I hit a breaking point yesterday though that was pretty bad. Because she is sick and teething as well she spent her naps crying, her play time crying, her bath time crying...just about every time other than eating crying. I almost lost it. When I'm not sick I can handle the incessant screeching, but when my head is pounding and I can't seem to keep up with my nose running it's extra hard. I locked myself in the bathroom with the fan on for 5 minutes yesterday to recollect myself because I wanted to yell back at her and have a come apart. She was still crying when I came out so we went and got some soup (car rides seem to help everyone). She has been a million times better today so I think she's feeling better. I also may have lashed out at her yesterday. She decided just yesterday to try biting me after she's done nursing. She has one razor sharp tooth on the bottom. She bit me the first time and I yelped and said "no!" and she laughed. So she tried again next time she ate. Same story. So she tried one more time yesterday and I didn't react (I was trying to make it not exciting) so she bit harder. Like drew blood harder. I pinched her. I did. She cried. I felt bad. She hasn't bitten me today. So maybe it worked. I pinched my child! I still feel bad, but at least she's not biting me! It was one thing with her little gums, but this tooth thing is awful! I keep telling myself I just want to make it to a year...just a year...only 1 1/2 months away! We'll see...

{invites}: camping!

We're going camping Friday and Saturday and EVERYONE is invited! We're going to Sand Hollow Primitive Camp Area. It's $15 a night. They have port-o-potties and a nice sandy beach to camp on. Friday night we're doing bring-your-own hot dogs and smores and Saturday we want to dutch oven so we want to do food assignments and get a head count! Come! And if you have access to firewood bring it or please let me know! If you can only make it for one night or need to leave inbetween or just want to come out for dinner and then go home we'd love to have you!!!

{baby}: paisley

I love her.

{project}: my kitchen floor...ew!

You'll notice not only the blackness of my knees, but of the mop water that is the scariest... This was my first official project while home, and it was desperately needed. After an initial bleach brush with the mop, another brush over with the horsehair brush by hand, and a lot of mr. clean mop stuff that smells like yummy lavender, the magic eraser really did the trick. This photo only slightly shows off how truly filthy my knees and legs are...it was bad. Paisley would crawl over to say hi to me while I was cooking and such and end up with big black marks all over her hands and knees...it was so gross. One cleaning project down, oh so many more to go...

{the future}: widow davis

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{ }:sad

I am sad. I think for me perpetual happiness comes with a cost. When I am sad, I get really, really sad. For days I lay in a rut, depressed and low. I consume too much chocolate. And I obsessively clean things, particularly bathrooms. I can sit and stare at a wall for hours. Or the ceiling. Or anything. Everything makes me cry. Glee, commercials, songs...everything. I can't sleep and when I do my dreams are so chaotic I wake up sore and exhausted. For the past 8 days now I have dreamt of someone I haven't spoken to in years. He has completely fallen off the map to me and I can't figure out why I'm dreaming about him. I don't remember the dream either-just chaos and that he was there. I asked Jon the other night "Do you think maybe he died and he's haunting me?" He was like: "Why would he haunt you?" Good point. I don't know. Why am I dreaming about him? Why am I in such a weird funk? Why am I so sad?

Reason's for me to be sad:

Reasons for me to be happy:

• Paisley. Mmmmm...I just love to breathe her in. She snuggled me the last two nights before she went to bed and it was wonderful. I can't fully be in a rut with her.
• Jon. I love him. He came to visit me at work yesterday as a surprise. I think he's starting to worry about me.
• Sunshine. I love the blistering heat. I call it the "blow-dryer" effect when you walk outside.
• Home. I love my bathtub and soft warm bed.

I think today will be a better day. I'm already feeling a little better...

{unbelievable}: my identity has been stolen!

I'm a little freaked out! There is a hack using my name and doing photography and she's not very good and her website sux!!! I can't believe someone would just steal my name like this!

http://aprildavisphotography.net/

Actually, I was testing to see how difficult it would be to find me if you didn't know my married name, and then how difficult it would be to find me even if you did know my married name. It's difficult. There are a lot of April's out there and a lot of April Davis' and April Clark's. It's a little weird....

{lists}: the mom club

Why I know I'm a mom:

1. I have referred to myself as a "starvin' marvin."
2. I have begun to look at everything in my house as dangerous, particularly small objects that can be swallowed and things that are 3 ft or shorter...
3. I no longer reserve only spring break as the time I whip out my boobs.
4. I am not allowed to go to Target anymore.
5. Ditto for "What Women Want Expos" and other such places with fabulous baby bows, tutus, skirts, diaper bags, carseat covers and such.
6. I obsessively read every label so I do not mistakenly give my child too much sugar, any milk, honey, etc.
7. I now worry far too much about the current state of the world and what is to come.
8. I look at small gaps and rough trails and think..."my stroller could fit through that...yeah? right? no?"
9. I never leave the house with less than a giant bag, extra blanket, extra food, water, and an assortment of outfits and strollers.
10. My right arm is now significantly stronger than my left, and I may be able to now punch someone and hurt them!
11. I look at other mothers and have a mutual understanding for what they may be going through.
12. Church is no longer a spiritual experience filled with note taking and such. Now it is wrestle, chase and put hand over child's mouth time. I don't know how people do this with more than one.
13. I always thought that when I had babies I would have to share my love with them and my husband, but instead my capacity to love has grown and will continue.
14. I love to cuddle and snuggle more than I ever thought I would. Paisley is outgrowing this and it makes me sad.
15. I never thought I would say it, but I do like nursing and I will miss it when we are done!
16. I feel like I am officially part of the club.

Funny Story:

So Jon and I were in the ER early last week because Paisley had a 102 degree temperature that would not go away. Of course we waited until midnight to take her in (any earlier just wouldn't have made it a trip to the ER). Anyway, 2:30 AM rolled around and Paisley was fussy from being poked and prodded and Jon was doing something to annoy me and I said, joking "I will fight you! And I will so win because you won't hit a girl!" He turned to me and said "You know, we've been married 5 years...I think at this point I would at least defend myself." "And what in 10 you fight back and at our 50 year we have a fight to the death?!?" We died laughing.

{reflection}: man in the mirror

I've been thinking a lot about how critical I am. I pride myself on trying very hard not to be a judgmental person based on appearance, past, and such but the more I get to know people, the more critical I am. I'm nicer to perfect strangers than I am to people I know well! This has always worried me, but worries me more because I want to be able to look past all my children's imperfections and love them unconditionally, but so far those that are close to me are judged much, much harsher than people that I just met. I can't decide why that is. I know part of it is because I know that they know better. But beyond that, I don't know. I look at the bad decisions friends of mine have made and their lot in life and I think: 'you did this to yourself!' but hear the exact same situation of a perfect stranger and think: 'wow, that's hard. you'll make it through.' Isn't that terrible! Luckily I've learned not to be too harsh to Jon (I think he found some sort of loophole), but even sometimes I catch myself holding him to such a high standard and I feel bad for him!! He doesn't help much either, but he has it the right way around. He's viciously critical of complete strangers and loving and understanding towards friends. I recognized this was a problem of mine months ago, and it's something I'm really trying to work on but I still catch myself feeling this way sometimes and it makes me sad. I know I hold myself to a very high standard, and I am very critical of the things that I do, but that is no excuse to do so to those that I know and love! Where is the line?